sex, DRUGS, and rock and roll (part 2 of 3)

For the drugs portion of my series, I simply intend to go on a rant.

I am not sure about how drug policy is laid out in other countries other than Canada, but here over the past few years the crime rate (with regard to drugs) has increased. My theory is not that more people are using drugs, but the government has simply decided to reprimand the use of these "illicit substances" more strictly.

What makes me especially disappointed about this whole exercise is many people are being punished for the use (and carrying) of drugs such as marijuana, but drugs such as (but certainly not limited to) the numerous (often hastily tested) pharmaceutical drugs that emerge every year in the market and alcohol (which is responsible for numerous deaths every year due to instances ranging from drunk driving to spousal abuse.

Don't get me wrong I certainly am not opposed to alcohol, as I certainly drink on a somewhat regular basis. And I am grateful for many drugs that have been brought about by the pharmaceutical industry, as they aren't all sketchy and under-tested. I do have a problem with drugs such as weed getting vilified to the 'nth degree when its affects are not dangerous in the least in comparison to many of the drugs being offered by Pfizer or Roche or Astra Zeneca or whoever.

I'm sure everyone has seen//(heard) a commercial or advertisement in a magazine for some form of depression medication. The list of side effects is often so lengthy it seems to outweigh the advertised "positive" effects. This summer my sister was using the drug called Accutane. Accutane is a acne drug patented by the pharmaceutical company Roche, with side effects ranging from dry skin to severe depression and birth defects. As I read through the numerous side effects I noticed that beside each pill that she was to take there was a small symbol. Upon its inspection I noticed that it was a woman who was pregnant with and "X" across her.

I questioned my sister about this and she said: "oh yeah, they are really intense about that. You have to be on birth control and using at least one other form of birth control because if you get pregnant, you're baby has a 90-something % chance of being all messed up." Then I asked her if she was okay with putting this drug into her body knowing this piece of information.

This drug has such an effect on your body, it is too toxic to even house a baby. So, drugs like this are readily available to those that suffer from severe acne, but medicinal marijuana is so controlled, cancer, MS, and many other patients in huge amounts of pain have to go to the greatest lengths humanly possible to acquire it just to ease their pain.

I don't get it. I feel as though this is all so clear. Drugs that are not harmful for the body should not be restricted to the public. Perhaps once again, similarly to the sex portion of this shindake it all comes down to fear mongering and education. Imagine if people didn't trust their government so much and they all weren't in bed together. But for this to change, the government will have to get out of bed with the pharmaceutical industry or at least assert some form of authority, but that will never happen.

Maybe next Christmas

Happy Christmas to all. I know its almost midnight, which means Christmas is essentially over, but its still hanging on for at least another 50 minutes. However, for me this year it didn't feel like Christmas at all.

For the past 5 years, Christmas has been a little wonky due to university. Exams end at various times, everyone is super busy, things get scheduled when they can, but in the end it has always felt like Christmas eventually (even the years we spent in Florida!). This year my sisters, my friends and I had more scheduled than any other year before from parties to skating to holiday drinks to dinner to movies to baking to well, the list goes on for miles.

Today was Christmas and of all days for it to feel like Christmas, it still didn't. This has never happened to me before, and I have no idea why its happened this year. Nothing was different, we did all of our normal Christmas things, but there might as well have not been a Christmas this year, because I feel like somehow I missed it.

I'm trying to think about what would have made me feel this way, but for the most part I'm lost for ideas. My one theory, though I'm quite sure isn't the case has to do with my fam. Lately we've been a lot worse than usual, and maybe that played a part in it not feeling like Christmas. However, when I went all 3rd degree on my sisters with my query (of lack of Christmas feel) my youngest sis didn't agree at all and my middle sis only slightly agreed.

I also toyed with the fact that I am getting older might be playing into this feeling, but quickly dismissed it. If anything my love of Christmas has grown over the years and it was certainly larger than ever this year. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of articulating my lack of Christmas as its only something I can feel... I hope that any and all those that stumble upon this posting had a wonderful Christmas full of cheer. I guess I'll have to wait until next Christmas... maybe this way it'll be twice as good!!

SEX, drugs, and rock and roll (part 1 in a 3 part series)

As you were probably able to discern from the title, today in my sex, drugs and rock and roll series I will be talking about sex.

Sex, what a wonderful thing to have. Awhile ago (perhaps about a month and a half or so) I got rid of my fuck-buddy, mostly because he was annoying my brains out and I couldn't really deal with his personality any longer. At the time it seemed like a rather good idea to get rid of him, because he was annoying and not even very good at sex anyway. But now that I don't have someone to fuck, I realize when I have some free time, I would really like to find someone new to engage in sexual tomfoolery with. As I do quite miss having mindbendingly good sex (which I haven't had in a number of months).

But I am completely digressing. I wanted to talk about sex more on a cultural level than a personal one. Why is sex such a talked about subject and often so taboo? The fact that I had a "fuck buddy," felt that I was the one controlling the situation, and am female, in itself speaks to the ways in which our society functions around this phenomenon.

Men are supposed to have casual sexual partners (which they are in control of), and the females are the "sluts" that sleep around with them. Obviously the harsh stereotypes about women who engage in sex purely for pleasure purposes are not as strong as they once were, but even people like my mother are in denial about this type of behavior.

My mother touts herself as being very liberal (she's not at all). But many people who share similar views as her would also label themselves as "liberal." A few weeks back I was on the subway with my mother and she made a comment about a young couple (the kids were probably 15 or so), saying that they have to experience everything so young. And I indulged, and asked: "like what?" Her reply: "boyfriends and sex." I counteracted her with: "well whats wrong with those experiences? There is no age limit on when you can have those experiences." Mom: "People that age will end up pregnant because they don't understand the consequences of their actions." The conversation went on where I tried to convince her otherwise, but I'll just paragraphize my thoughts//argument below.

While I do agree with my mother, that many studies have shown that on average those under the age of 18 do not have an as firm a grasp upon the consequences of their actions, I disagree about experience. I do not think that there is anything wrong with someone at the age of 15 or 14 or whatever finding someone they would like to be close with of the opposite sex. What I do feel is the problem however is the need to sugarcoat and fear monger on sexual topics. Education is at the root of the problem. When I was in high school (mind you it was a number of years ago, but according to my youngest sister, its still the same), health education was abysmal. They taught what they did not refer to as abstinence-only education, but it might as well could have been called that.

There was an anonymous question box (a good idea), that often got filled with stupid questions like asking the teacher if she's actually sleeping with another faculty member (o0oo00o, are the rumours true?). We were never taught that sex was fun, and our teacher certainly never told us that she enjoyed sex, and ultimately, I think that might have been the first step to opening up the discussion about sex, and gender power within sexual relationships.

Because there is a reason why, when a women has a casual sexual partner, she is never believed to be the one in control of the situation (maybe equal to, but never above the control of the male). If we gave youth the power and answers they want, their knowledge can produce relationships where there is equality and hasty and uninformed decisions aren't made. As they grow into young adults, like I now am, the authenticity of their situations may not be questioned as hastily.

Since I felt very in control of my sexual situation, and unloaded my "fuck buddy" from my life, instead of being labelled a strong and self-actualizing person, I become the bitch. A male does the exact same thing and the female is also blamed, because she should have known what she was getting herself into when she got in bed with that kind of man. Ultimately, I think sex comes down to gender roles and the ways in which they are accepted and taught within our society, which is seldom ever never.

That being said however, there is no reason why you can't have a loving relationship with lots of fun sex, in which gender roles are almost* equal, because afterall, sex is awesome!

And so it is, just like you said it would be

I am beginning to realize that the mind can't change what the heart wants...

Holiday Cheer

I love my friends. They are awesome. Yesterday I was feeling really ewwie about this whole party thing. In fact I was right up until it began, but I'm really glad I did it. I had so much fun. my friends are just fantastic. they help you realize how youre not alone and its cool and theyre there for ya and they drink with ya and they chill with ya and you know?

Also everything I made tonight=== huge hit 5 million. What excellent friends. I guess thats all. I should go an sip some water now.

In an awake state of affairs

My dog has really soft ears. The most soft EVA in fact. She also has quite sharp teeth, and doesn't know how to properly use them when she plays.

I almost fell asleep while I was driving today.

OTH= better than I expected, and not that bad.

Chocolate mini-wheats are the best mini-wheats. (I think I may have mentioned this before)

Who knew that driving somewhere could make you nervous beyond reason, and send you into a mini panic spiral?

A lot of the time I don't like to sleep because I can't control my dreams and things happen in them that I don't like. At least when I'm awake I can control my thoughts.

Christmas lights are wicked cool.

Can't people just make sure they're clean shaven? It's kinda sketchy when you're not.

I'm having a party tomorrow and I couldn't really give a shit.

I had the worst evening.

I'm breaking down a little right now...

In 4 months, shits gettin real.

Whether or not you meant to hurt me doesn't matter, because in the end, it hurts just the same.

That hair was attached.

Blue Bear and Klappar are my hommies.

If you knew why I asked you for a body pillow, I'm not sure what you would think of my answer.

I am tired beyond reason, but I know as soon as I close my computer I won't be able to sleep.

It has taken me over 25 minutes to write this post and I haven't even said anything....

Until You're Resting here with me

The head lays on the pillow, as still as ever. Unless You looked very closely and knew her very well, you'd think she was asleep. Then the tears fall.

Sometimes slowly and for a long time, sometimes quickly for mere moments almost as though it didn't happen. She can't control it anymore.

It used to be easy. A lot used to be easy. It used to be easy for her to not let the tears fall, creating a salty river across her pillow. The salty river that leads to a place that she doesn't know or want to understand yet. Until she understands, the salty river will continue to flow out of her control.

karma coma

I'm not big on the whole karma thing. And I'm particularly not invested in the whole religion thing, but tonight coincidence or not, karma or not, I had an evening from hell. Who knows, maybe I deserved it, maybe it was the price I had to pay...

Peacefully Slumbering

Sometimes I wish I would walk up and it would all have just been a dream. But what all? All this shit? All this time? All what time? Do I mean the last 6 months, the last year, the last 5 years, my whole life?

And what would happen when I woke up from this dream? Would my life be the way it was 2 or 5 or 10 years ago? How do we even know if we aren't dreaming it all anyway, living in our safe little orbs like in the Matrix?

I feel that maybe if that were the case, life might seem a little easier than it is sometimes. Things like loneliness and confusion and sadness and desire and exhaustion wouldn't be real. Maybe that would be better, or at least okay.

A Bandaid to cover the bullet wound

It would be really awesome to be beautiful and fun and sexy and smart and social, but I'm not, so I guess I've got to learn to live with it.

25% of the population is described as introverted. The more I think about it, the more I think I often act extroverted because it's what's expected of me. Afterall, aren't tall blondes supposed to have bubbly personalities?

I have become an exceptional actress.

It would be really awesome if I could have what I want, but I can't, so I guess I've got to learn to live with it.

My family is pretty fucked up, more so now than ever before.

3:13, the king of time.

Today Annie chomped my leg and arm, but she was playing. I don't really trust her very much.

It would be really awesome if I knew how to deal, but I don't, so I guess I've got to learn to live with it.

I have never been more bored with school than I was this past semester.

I still have that crush on that girl (who I thought was a lesbian, but turns out is not).

11:11 make a wish

Why do we always notice those times anyway? Like 11:11, 3:13, 12:34...

It would be really awesome to have Christmas the way I imagine it in my head, but I can't, so I guess I've got to learn to live with it.

Sometimes you can find comfort in the weirdest things.

I am eternally grateful for a friend I never thought I would talk to about certain things. I have known this person for years and years and I never expected the kindness that I received from them.

Why is it 12:17 and I'm sitting here writing about nothing, to no one?

It would be really awesome to wake up and it all to have been a dream, but it won't have been, so I guess I've got to learn to live with it.

The cancer rate is now 1 in 3.

I miss a lot of things I know I probably shouldn't.

Most of the time I don't know what day of the week it is, and it takes me awhile to figure it out.

I wish I still (truly) smiled at the frequency that I used to.

My friends brother who recently got married is going to be having a baby with his wife. He's only two years older than us. It makes me feel old and immature.

One of my best friends has also said that she would also be cool with getting married in the next couple of years.

It would be really awesome if I knew that things wouldn't be lonely forever, but I can't, so I guess I've got to learn to live with it.

Just because I live in Canada does not mean I like hockey or skating.

FUCK.

I got skype but I really suck at using it, so sometimes I practise with my sister, so when I go away and actually have to use it, I'll know how.

I know... How can someone not be able to figure out skype, its pretty much the easiest program available.

Braining these days is often hard and I feel like it's a little mushy up there.

It would be really awesome...............................so I guess I've got to learn to live with it.

baby seal

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-16190359

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood

Dr Mr Rogers,

I hope you strangle yourself with you're own stupid shoelaces. Nobody wears trainers inside anymore. Very passe.



Okay
Adjective: all right; proceeding normally; satisfactory or under control.



For someone who has forgotten the meaning of the word, I use it a hell of a lot.

Foreplay Longtime

It's been such a long time
I think I should be goin', yeah
And time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rollin'
Sail on, on a distant highway
I've got to keep on chasin' a dream
I've gotta be on my way
Wish there was something I could say.


Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
You'll forget about me after I've been gone
And I take what I find, I don't want no more
It's just outside of your front door.


It's been such a long time. It's been such a long time.

Well I get so lonely when I am without you
But in my mind, deep in my mind,
I can't forget about you
Good times, and faces that remind me
I'm tryin' to forget your name and leave it all behind me
You're comin' back to find me.


Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
You'll forget about me after I've been gone
And I take what I find, I don't want no more
It's just outside of your front door.


It's been such a long time. It's been such a long time.

Yeah. It's been such a long time, I think I should be goin', yeah
And time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rollin'
There's a long road, I've gotta stay in time with
I've got to keep on chasin' that dream, though I may never find it
I'm always just behind it.

Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
Takin' my time, just movin' along
Takin' my time, yeah I'm takin' my time...

All I want for Christmas is you

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
You

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I don't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeers click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
Ooh baby
All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me...

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is...
You

All I want for Christmas is you

This reminds me of first year with Lanza in between classes... I can't listen to this song without jumping around and dancing all over my room, which is what I just did...

Also instead of a pic, I will provide you with a link instead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY

Probably because of Central Limit Theorum

Ok, so you need to set up a method for a research question. Just follow these steps:

1. Don't panic.
2. State any hypotheses
3. Figure out the sampling design to use
4. Chill out, you probably chose the right sampling design
5. Gather a sample size and explain why its the size it is
6. Hypothesis testing:
- state (>,>,=, etc)
- select test
- choose significance levels and justify them
- talk about rejection regions (draw out if necessary)
- calculate the test stat
- compare (reject/ fail to reject)
7. Conclude
8. Breathe, its over.

This is one of the many things I wrote on my cheat sheet for today. Hopefully I rock this exam that's worth 45% of my final grade...

Here is a pleasing picture to make stats seem more bearable.

Buddy the Elf

This weekend its Elf weekend!! I love Elf, its such a pleasing christmas movie. If you have never seen it and have access to it, shame is cast upon your whole family. Jokes. But actually, I highly recommend it. I will share some super amazing//hilarious//memorable quotes here:

Buddy: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
Jovie: Thanks, but I don't sing.
Buddy: Oh, well, it's just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.

Buddy: We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.

Finch: No tomatoes. Too vulnerable. Kids, they're already vulnerable.

Buddy: Wow, you're fast. I'm glad I caught up to you. I waited 5 hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news - I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework? Huh? Do you have any friends? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too?...

Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.

Buddy: SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!

Buddy: First we'll make snow angels for a two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.

Leon the snowman: Why the long face, Buddy?
Buddy: It seems I'm not an elf.
LTS: Of course you're not an elf. You're six-foot-three and had a beard since you were fifteen.

wake up, don't tell me it's just a dream...

Yesterday, for the first time in a very long time I pushed all my responsibilities aside and took a day for myself. I had a lot of things to catch up on and I used the day to get all of them done. At the end of the day, I was more content and calm than I can recall being all semester.

I woke up. I obviously took the opportunity to sleep in. Then I had a bowl of chocolate miniwheats (the best kind of miniwheats) and a banana. Then I sat in my room and made Christmas cards all day (well until about 3) and caught up on Modern Family. At 3 I baked, which I must admit was a little stressful because baking isn't really my thing and it requires patience and precision. But it was ok because I'm giving the cookies I made away in my little Christmas parcels to my friends this year. So it made me happy because of that.

Then I cleaned my Uggs which was long over due. Then I played the piano and busted out some xmas music (which I love playing). Then I went back to cards and Modern Family for the rest of the evening.

This day, when written out sounds boring beyond belief. But let me tell you by the time I lay in my bed and opened up my book (clockwork orange- really good, really recommend it), I was beaming. Awesome.

New at University Wave

So I was just taking a scroll down my page and it looks very blahh. From now on I have decided that with each post, I will be including a picture. Sometimes it will be related to the post, but in most cases it likely won't. Hopefully it will brighten people's days and my page.

1 down, 1 to go

Yesterday I handed in my last paper of the semester. Then I realized that I had just completed the women and gender studies portion of my degree. I am now a certified feminist. jokes. It was a little sad, mostly because in comparison to ggr, wgs hands out A's like candy (unless you are the love interest of JP Catungal that is...).

It was a weird feeling to realize that I am literally almost done this part of my life. This semester was one of the speediest of my life, and now my last year is half over. To think that I will not likely be studying wgs anymore is a little sad, because I found some topics that greatly interest me, and I met some interesting people. You just get used to having the same people in all of your classes all the time, and now I likely will never see any of them again.

I have certainly made a few acquaintances over the years who I sit with in class and do group work with if necessary, but nobody I'll be calling up. But that's ok, its just kind of weird to go from seeing those people almost every day, year in and out, then BAM, it all being over.

I guess next semester I'll have the same thing with those ggr-ers that I've classed along with year after year. Plus, I think that now that I look back upon my undergraduate career, I probably enjoyed geography slightly more than I did wgs. Either way you slice it though, at the end of the year I will have a hons ba and no job...sweet.

Big J: Always gotta be right...

A conversation that happened not to long ago that I really pissed off and quite hurt about.

Dad: When am I getting my guitar back? Will I even see it before Christmas?

Me: I will personally see to it that you have your guitar back before Christmas.

Dad: Yeah right. Ok whatever you say. (sarcasm)

Me: What's the issue?

Dad: You shouldn't have to be the one that has to go and get it.

Me: It doesn't matter. Why do you even care how you get your guitar? Its not like you are even going to play it anyway.

Dad: It doesn't matter whether or not I'm going to play it. It's a matter of principle. And manners. Obviously he has no manners.

Mom: Jim calm down, its okay, nobody must have taught him.

Dad: I don't care. This level of rudeness is unacceptable.

Me: (Still standing there with my jaw hanging open) What are you talking about?

Dad: You obviously have no judge of character. How could you even have picked someone like him?

Me: (Walking out of the room before I either break down or punch him in the face)

Dad: Why are you walking away? I'm still talking to you...

More procrastination

When my husband died, because he was so famous & known for not being a believer, many people would come up to me — it still sometimes happens — & ask me if Carl changed at the end & converted to a belief in an afterlife. They also frequently ask me if I think I will see him again.

Carl faced his death with unflagging courage & never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other again. I don’t ever expect to be reunited with Carl. But, the great thing is that when we were together, for nearly twenty years, we lived with a vivid appreciation of how brief & precious life is. We never trivialized the meaning of death by pretending it was anything other than a final parting. Every single moment that we were alive & we were together was miraculous — not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance… That pure chance could be so generous & so kind… That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space & the immensity of time… That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me & it’s much more meaningful…

The way he treated me & the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other & our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don’t think I’ll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.

— (Ann Druyan, talking about her husband, Carl Sagan)

Its like that time with the war pigeon...

This semester because of a last minute course cancellation I ended up having to sign up for a course called "Life Writing: Autobiography, biography, and narrative." Kill me now. That sounds like an english class, and I HATE english. But since it was offered by the wgs department I thought, how bad can it be? And I went on in there with a positive attitude. Guess what? The class was taught by someone from the department of English. Anyway, I'm totally digressing from the point of my post.

So, the class was really not that great, but I am currently working on the final paper. The topic that I am writing on is illness narrative, which as far as I'm concerned is the most interesting topic on the short list she gave us to choose from. For the paper, the prof has encouraged us to not only use scholarly sources, but also draw upon blogs and journals.

In the course of my travels I found a blog written by an 18 year old girl, living in the Netherlands, named Veerle Dee. She is currently undergoing treatment for T-cell Al Leukemia. I'm not sure how else to put it other than, she is amazing. She is real, and strong, and courageous beyond anything I have ever encountered in my life.

She makes me feel so hopeful about the world. If there are people that can live and understand the world like her, it can't be that bad of a place. There are truly good people, even though it often seems like the world is run by the worst of our kind. I wish more people were like her:

http://theageofmiracles.tumblr.com/

But I thought Christmas started December 1st?

My room is lacking this year on the Christmas front. Its December 4th and I still have yet to decorate my room. What the h- man. I usually have my room in full fledged decorative attire by December 1st. I need to get my head in the game pronto, because it doesn't really feel like Christmas right now.

Why?

I came across this picture while I was doing research for my essay on illness narrative. This is the saddest thing of life...

Colonialism at its finest

If you have are Canadian and have not been following this story, shame on you:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/story/2011/12/01/attawapiskat-thursday.html

If you're not Canadian, please check it out. This is the latest and greatest on the housing emergency in James Bay, covered by CBC. It's things like this that make me feel embarrassed to live in a country whose government could ignore something like this for so long. Also being from a country that is arguably a partial 'world leader', you would think that we hopefully have some form of leadership skill that involves any amount of scruples. I don't understand how some people would not be ok with less so people that have nothing could have more.

There are a lot of underlying things going on here, probably at the very root, perpetuated colonial practises that still exist today, but the very fact that something like this is even going on in our country makes me quite sad.

One Can't be a Bull in a China Shop

I held the glass in my hand. Then I lost my grasp and it slipped. It slipped right out of my hand. What a great glass. My most favourite of glasses, and it slipped, slipped out of my hand. It fell, almost as though it were in slow motion. Out of my hands. I watched it fall, knowing its fate because of the badness that befell it. But the glass didn't know. The glass wouldn't know until it was already too late. Then it hit the floor. It hit the floor, but it didn't make a crash though it was in a thousand pieces. They were everywhere. The piece, just scattered about, everywhere. How does one clean up a mess like that without cutting their fingers on the pieces? They were everywhere and nothing could be done as the glass was already broken. It was much too late. The glass had slipped and you were unable to catch it in time. You can never glue it back together. For glue is never the answer. You'll never find all of the pieces and you will just cut your lip on the edge of your make-shift glass. The best you can do is buy a new glass. You buy a new glass and make sure that it's not your favourite. For when this one slips from your fingers, you don't mind. You don't mind and all you have to do is sweep up the glass and throw it out. Throw it in the garbage and think nothing of it. Perhaps plastic cups are the answer...

Purge Deleted

On average it takes about 7 minutes to fall asleep. This was not the case for me for a long time. Then I made a few changes to my life, and sleep is starting to come a little easier.

I'm beginning to realize that many things that happen in your life are a reaction from another symptom. This is good news since through a series of trial and error processes you can create a life (within reason) that is essentially to your liking.

Try it out, and then rest easy...

Christmas

For those of you that don't like Christmas, you can either suck it up for a month, or don't visit my page. Its that easy, because I love Christmas!!

It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything

Why do people feel like they have to find meaning? What is this meaning? What is our purpose? As presumptuous as this sounds, I feel like I may have these answers for myself. For me, I find that we have no purpose or meaning unless we decide we need to create one.

My whole life I was so busy living my life that I didn't really think about my essence of being and my own embodiment in time and space. Maybe that's what its about. Maybe living your life and not searching for meaning or purpose is the answer, because by virtue of not searching for those things you have inadvertently embraced them.

Lately the way in which I am trying to understand these these things and live my life has been very trial and error. My most recent way of being is to isolate yourself from past and future and simply 'be' in the present. I'm not sure if this is a realistic way of living, or how long it can go on for, but it seems like another way of embodying my experience on earth.

By doing it this way, everything is in the moment: happiness, sadness, anger, laughter, whatever it maybe, these emotions are, and become the meaning of each situation. What can we really search for? Perhaps trying to feel happy (or sad, or hopeful- whatever fits best with you) for as many days as we can before we die is the best we can hope for...

But the more I write here, the more I feel as though don't have the answer for myself as I presumptuously stated earlier. Maybe it's the people, like myself who agonize over these things that are trapped. Maybe those who don't need to search for meaning or purpose (or whatever, in the larger sense), are free. They are free to embrace life in a carefree way, which in turn is their 'purpose.'

I have not voiced these ideas to many, and those that I have voiced them to think I am a weirdo (to put it gently), which often makes for lonely thoughts at times. But maybe that in itself becomes the meaning and purpose on my own journey...

True North Strong and Free?

Why is there never any conversation in our country about the shit that we have put minority groups through? There is such a disposition here to be not like the United States, that you almost think we have something to hide. Why is it that whenever things like slavery and immigration (rights) are talked about most Canadians are content to conclude that those 'things' only happened and are happening South of the border?

There was slavery here. In fact, there was as much slavery here as there was in the US in the 18th century. We often tout this underground railroad through which black slaves were able to escape to freedom in the north. The truth of the matter is, in many instances blacks that escaped to Canada often found themselves being recaptured and used as slaves here. Those that were able to escape and keep their freedom weren't free.

There is a house (I believe its now a museum), in Hamilton Ontario that was used in the 18th century as a safe house. The reality of this safe house though, was that nobody could leave. They couldn't even go outside, how is this freedom? Why are we calling our country a place of refuge for these people when we were no more accepting of them then they were in the South?

Dresden, Ontario (among many other cities across the country- see Africville) was one particular place that even after WWII black people experienced huge levels of racism. In this town essentially all privately owned enterprises refused to serve blacks. This did not change for an exceptionally long time, when Leslie Frost (the then Premier of Ontario) to the demise of most of his party, created a law stating that minorities could not be turned away at private enterprises.

In 1932 Ray Lewis, whom I believe was a track athlete was the first black Canadian male to win a medal in the Olympics. Upon his return to Canada he was unable to find work even as a high school track coach and was forced to return to working as a porter on the railway (a job that was primarily done by only blacks). I highly doubt his other track teammates were unable to find work after their Olympic success. Things like this make me so disappointed in my country and its people. Why is this type of history not shared in school at the elementary and high school level?

Why are people like Louis Riel (native activist) made out to look like a villain when he's actually a hero? I distinctly remember learning in high school about what a terrible person he was and how much 'trouble' he caused for the RCMP. WTF??

The next lil topic I want to briefly touch upon (as I don't know very much about it), is treatment of Japanese Canadians during WWII. I have recently begun reading Obasan (which will definitely lead to more research on my part, after I complete the novel). I knew that Japanese Canadians faced varying degrees of racism during WWII, and more specifically after the bombings of Pearl Harbor, but I didn't really know the extent. Japanese Canadians (meaning they were already citizens, sometimes even multigenerational citizens) were rounded up (particularly on the West Coast) and shipped off into internment camps. They are described as being little better than concentration camps.

I guess what really bugs me about all this is that our country prides itself in being multicultural and accepting of all that enter. Time and time again do I hear people exclaiming at how different we are (and historically are) from our Southern counterparts. We really aren't that different at all, and what's even worse is that this information has somehow been written out of our history. This information must be sought out, rather than taught alongside other topics in Canadian history. blurg.

Quidditch Through the Ages

Pretttty legit. The part about Madame Pince, kinda weird, but whatevs. We get a pretty extensive look at Quidditch's origins, as well as the origins of the broomstick. It goes back to the middle ages when brooms and broom sports were first invented.

The book, similarly to FBAWTFT takes a very british-centric take on the whole matter. They make places like Africa and Asia to seem quite "behind the times" when it comes to magic in an almost primitive way. That really made me quite angry as I wasn't really expecting to have to critique the story as I read it.

I would say FBAWTFT is a better book on the whole, as to me it seems more magical, if that's possible seeing as this is all magical stuff anyway. Despite its length to me it seemed a touch too long, or maybe it was just poorly laid out. not sure.

Overall, good read, if you want some quick and light Harry Potter lovin' happening in your life.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

So I just realized that I promised commentary on FBAWTFT and Quidditch Through the Ages. Ill do both now so I don't have the forgeteries again.

In FBAWTFT Jk does a pretty cool job of laying out the magical creatures. What is a little peculiar is that we somehow have access to a reproduction of Harry's copy of the book. The stuff that him and Ron have written in it is kinda lame, but for the most part ok.

What I was a little disappointed about however, was most of the beasts originated in the UK. Im not saying that there is anything wrong with that, because she is british, but at the beginning of the novel the 'author' was touted to have been all over the world and extensively researched fantastic beasts.

I did quite enjoy the introduction at the beginning of the novella explaining the various historical underpinnings of what a beast is, who//what is labelled as a beast, etc...

Overall it provides a fairly specific look at many magical creatures some of which I have no idea how she came up with the names or purpose of. It must take a pretty intense imagination.

Quick Fix

On Friday after months of being, I finally came to a realization about the way I was currently embarking upon my life. I have been using a series of quick fixes to try and forget or deal with whats going on.

This summer I had the pleasure and enjoyment of losing my two best friends. I lost one to a new boyfriend (and don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that she's found someone that makes her really happy, but...I guess I'm just selfish) and the other to, well I'm not sure, life I guess. This really sucks butt because they were and are amazing people and I happen to miss them a lot, and I'm not really dealing well without best friends.

I still have my friends who are also amazing people, but my relationship with them is different. I can't tell them everything and anything because that's not the relationship that I've built with them. Both of my best friends I could cuddle and schnuggle with and completely be myself around, and I didn't have to ask if it was ok, because it always was.

And I've been wondering lately when I'm not going to care anymore that they've left, and when its not going to matter that I don't have them for support like I used to anymore. And the problem is, I don't know if I can not care because they are such special people.

Over these months I have inserted a number of 'quick fixes' into my life to try and get over this shit. And on Friday I think I finally realized that quick fixes and distractions are not the answer to this. The distractions make me bipolar and lash-outtie. I get frustrated because of these 'fixes' and I wonder what the point of them is and I just want them out of my life.

I mean why am I even doing my grade 9 piano? Do I really want to, or am I just trying to fill up my time? Why am I spending so much time with someone I don't even like that much? Why am I even writing this blog? Why is it that I only have 3 classes this year and I have never been more disorganized or behind in my life? Why am I planning a trip around North America by myself?

The thing I feel at this very moment is exhaustion. I don't have the energy to think about answering those questions. For the amount of tired I feel, you'd think I would fall asleep immediately at night, but I don't, it takes hours. But now that I've realized that I'm inserting things into my life how do I deal with that?

I know what one of my best friends would say. He would say take control of the situation, and stop doing what you don't want. If he read this, he would probably be disgusted with me and my lack of direction. But that's easier said than done, especially if you don't even know what you want once you remove all the shit from your life. Because once all the things you were hiding behind are gone, you're forced to accept the fact that you're best friends are gone, or that you've really fucked up whatever, or that you just want out.

I feel like I've rambled on for a really long time about nothing, so if you wasted your time reading this, my apologies and here is an excellent picture^ to make up for it...

Girl, Interrupted

This piece is called Girl, Interrupted at her Music. It is a painting done by Vermeer c. 1661. It is this backdrop which Susanna Kaysen writes her memoir about her time at McLean hospital in the 1960's. If you have never read the novel, I highly recommend it.

I plan on speaking more broadly about mental illness. For those of you that are familiar with Susanna's story, you'll know that she was possibly questionably admitted to the mental facility in which she was a patient. The questionability of mental illness will be my focus.

What most intrigues me about mental illness is that 'crazy' requires some form of 'normalized' group for which to have a definition in the first place. How are you supposed to act and think so you don't get classified as crazy and placed on the margins of society?

There have been times when I've kept my mouth shut, and not voiced my opinion because I felt as though it would be too weird or people would think I'm nuts. Doesn't everyone feel crazy to some extent most of the time? Then you think, well if I'm thinking about being crazy, I can't possibly be there, can I? Because crazy people aren't supposed to know they're crazy...

But is the fact that one becomes self aware of their craziness mean that they have the capacity to become cured? Until I read Girl, Interrupted I didn't think that you could be cured of a mental illness or being crazy, because that would make you not crazy in the first place. I certainly thought they were something to be controlled and you lived with for life. If you could cure a mental illness, to me it seems like it doesn't fall under the category of a mental illness in the sense that we understand them.

A mental disorder is defined as a psychological or behavioral issue that one struggles with due to some form of distress. The DSM goes into much greater detail about this as well as categorizes each mental disorder. Perhaps if the distress is removed from someones life they can be cured? However, if that type of distress returns to their life, they can still fall back into their disorder, so are they cured? To me removing distress is a form of management.

With the case of Susanna Kaysen, she was concluded to be cured of borderline personality disorder. Mind you, since the 1960's the definition and characteristics of borderline personality disorder have been 'revamped' numerous times. If you were to read the definition that she provides to us, most people would have borderline personality disorder.

But how many little boxes must be checked before you cross the line from sanity to INsanity? To be there isn't a line between the two. I feel like many people who are deemed insane may simply understand, and view life a different way. I'm not arguing against insanity, rather the way in which its viewed.

Most days I feel insane or like I'm going crazy. Does my eccentricity put me on the fringes? I suppose that everyone will view insanity differently and most people will shrink into the shadows when its mentioned, and try beyond all to stay on the 'sane' side of the spectrum.

#why is everything hash tagged these days?

#whats the point of these things anyway?
#every time I open #facebook everyone's #posts are hash tagged.
#how would we look to an #alien community with number signs in front of everything?
#recent example: why don't I own a pushup bra? #lady problems.
#I don't get it.
#Why does the #hash tag need to be there?
I have the #answer: it doesn't.

"Confidence Cohen, Confidence"

So, judging by my 2 posts, its obviously been a successful day for procrastination.

I am pretty much the most confident person you will ever meet. JOKES!! Over the years I have been told on multiple occasions, by multiple people that I am better than I believe myself to be. As far as I am concerned I am average in every aspect of my life.

As far as my looks go, I have never really been a fan of the way I look. And I'm not going to lie, the introduction of a beautiful woman (who is apparently greatly been greatly sought and fought about over the years) enters into my ex's life mere days after we broke up, certainly didn't help those confidence levels.

But, as some may remember I began a short time ago my journey of the 'self' beginning at the level of embodiment. I tried writing poetry, but I'm fairly garbage at it, so that was quite short lived. I am tall and blonde and slender, which by societal standards is the backdrop for drop dead gorgeousness. But, I don't think I have ever thought of myself that way, nor has anyone else in my entire life. Plus I feel like that makeup is beginning to become a little passe for the definition of a gorgeous person.

Yesterday however, while riding the subway home, not thinking about anything in particular, and I looked up and caught my reflection in the subway glass. That moment was relevatory for me. All of the sudden I realized that I was beautiful. And I don't want to sound cocky or whatever at this point. Because when I say I looked beautiful I certainly don't mean in the conventional sense. I meant that all of the sudden I seemed to be ok with the fact that I am not pretty, hence I was able to see my own beauty. In that moment that I looked up at myself I look tired and sad but content, my hair was not doing anything special and my face was au naturel. But I was ok with it, for the first time in my life.

When I got home I looked in the mirror to see if this 'beauty' was still there, but it had gone. As though it was just a passing fancy across my face.

Quotes

I have some quotes// words of wisdom I am quite fond of, and I thought I would share them here:

"Actions speak louder than words."

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become your actions. Watch your actions, for they become your habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."

"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing"

"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"

"Don't exchange what you want the most, for what you want at this moment."

"Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

"There are things we don't want to happen - but have to accept that they'll happen anyways. Things we don't want to learn - but have to learn them anyways..and people we cannot live without, but have to let them go anyways."

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."

"One can forgive, but one should never forget."

"It reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew, and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water." - W.C Fields

So, there it is. A few of my personal faves in the quotes department. I've only credited the final quote, as it makes sense to do so in this context. For those that don't know, WC Fields was a early to mid 20th century American comedian.

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

Most Harry Potter fans have not fully explored the full works. There are 3 other novellas written by JK, that of course require some amount of commentary. At the end of my huge 7 part saga I didn't really want to include these guys in it, but now since my life needs a lil extra HP, I thought I'd do 'em up.

So, I shall begin with the tales of Beedle the Bard (TTOBTB). For those of you who do not know, TTOBTB is a compilation of wizarding fables and fairy tales. JK does a fair job at these and her inclusion of Dumbledore's notes is quite interesting.

However, I do get the sense that she was getting quite tired of writing about all this stuff with the onset of this book. Her introduction lacked heart and excitement. The stories themselves were quite good, but Dumbledore's notes seemed sub-par and almost campy in a way.

I thought it was weird how the supposed copy us muggles had gotten a hold of was the one that Hermione had translated. I'm not sure why Hermione was the authority of translation at this juncture. Surely there are much more practised wizards at translating ruins?

Overall, I would say since the stories themselves are short, its worth the read if you would like an extra dose of the magical world of Harry Potter.

Next up: commentary on Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Citation Required

I am the type of person who quite enjoys being at school. It's like a giant circle jerk where everyone plays off of each other under the umbrella of academia. I also don't mind writing papers, especially in my upper years of study, as I seldom ever have to write on topics I am not interested in.

Over the past year or so I have found writing to be a highly calming activity. And until very recently I hadn't really thought very much about the fact that I was at ease while typing. While I enjoy writing academic papers and 'contributing' to this grand 'think tank' as a 'knowledge producer,' I'm beginning to tire of citing things and not always being able to write exactly what I feel about a certain topic.

My middle sister and I have always joked about writing a book about my youngest sister. A funny anecdotal novel about living with a 'youngest child.' The more we joke about it, the more I feel as though we should write it. And why not? Whenever people ask you what you plan to do with your life, writing never seems to be an acceptable answer (unless of course it's for academic purposes). They'll say to you oh yes that's nice, but what are you actually going to do?

And I agree, you can't be a writer unless you're well known or have some serious balls and are alright with possibly living in slum-like conditions until you do make it (which may never happen). Kind of like acting, isn't it? Well not really, because many talented actors go their whole lives never getting anywhere, whereas talented writers have a chance at making it as long as they show their work to enough people.

I'm not sure, perhaps this sudden onset of wanting to write is my enjoyment of writing coupled with my indecision of what to do after I leave my safe-haven called university.

whatcu said

So, why does the fact that I require a hug hurt so fucking much? I need a good scream and yell sesh stat.

femmePOWERment, free on friday nights at ICS

The community school that I work at holds an activity night each friday for young women aged 13-24. It is a 10 week program free of charge that is supposed to target young female community members and try to get them involved and off of the streets staying out of trouble. The activities are supposed to include sports, open discussions about issues such as race, class gender, etc..., cooking, leadership development, music making, community building, and the list goes on.

When I saw the poster for this hanging up at work I was wowed. I thought this sounds amazing how do I get involved? So I went and talked to a friend of mine that has coordinated a number of things there and she said that youth night is essentially dead. People show up here and there. They sit around and talk and listen to the radio with the people that run the show.

Now there is nothing wrong with talking, people can hash out some good thoughts//feelings//ideas that way, but from what I understood this isn't really whats going on. For me this is truly disappointing because ICS has a huge portion of young people in the surrounding area. There are 3 or 4 large high schools within either walking or easy transit distance.

Why has nobody bothered to visit these high schools and talk (if even for 10 minutes) with some of the girls there to find out what they want in a youth program and recruit them to come out? Why is this girls night only advertised inside of ICS?

I firmly believe that many people can make a difference in their own way, but they are seldom ever given the tools or opportunity. In all honesty, until I got to university I had never even been told that I can be in control of my own life and the path that it takes. You don't have to want to change the world, or be the best athlete, or feel comfortable talking to people. Maybe there are females who want to learn to use their music skills to write a song. Maybe some want to try yoga. Maybe they want lessons in self defense.

It confuses me as to why the people running this program don't look at it and feel totally and completely embarrassed by the effort that they are putting in. I know most people will say, well its just a job, why should you do extra work for something like that? And yes, while I agree that its a job, this type of work is highly important and requires a certain level of passion. The facilitators have the opportunity to affect change positively. They can make the same wage with the city working many other jobs, and sit on their ass there. I am willing to volunteer my time for this cause AND try to completely and totally revamp.

Unfortunately, my CRP is on sick leave at the moment, but as soon as she returns, I will be all over her about how I can get into this program and help to make it what it could be. I mean whats the point of gender equity and female empowerment if not everyone has the opportunity to exercise their strengths?

...and i had to jog to keep up

Yesterday I left my Caribbean Women Thinkers class at 6pm and headed to my stats class which also starts at 6, but since its university its actually 6:10. Irregardless, my next class is way on the other side of campus and 10 minutes is not nearly long enough for the average walker to arrive on time. At the corner of st george and willcox I found myself directly behind my prof. I thought sweet, class can't start without him so I'll just follow him to lecture and won't have to worry about arriving on time.

Well, the light changed green and if I had looked down even for a moment he would have been gone. Now I am by no means a slow walker. I'm 5'9" and walk at a pace that would indicate I am that height. My prof is in his forties and I have a good 2 inches on him. He is the fastest walker I have ever encountered in my life.

I don't think I'm really driving this point home though. I practically had to jog to keep up with him. A walk that I normally do in 10 minutes took me a mere 6 in this mans wake. 4 minutes might not sound like a a lot, but holy fuck it is. Double D, I salute you for throwing me for a loop.

Ectomorphisms

Hopefully my pun^ was enjoy by someone.

I am an ectomorph. For those of you who aren't engrossed in the world of body language or athletics, ectomorphs have lean body mass and have trouble storing fat and gaining bulk muscle.

Many moons ago when I was a wee high schooler, I clocked in my weight at around 148lbs in grade 12. At 5'9" I was pretty solid muscle as I barely spent any time not playing sports. When I arrived at University (now a few years ago), as a little physeddie there were new sports and activities they made you do like dance and gymnastics. Now I'm not slamming those sports or anything and saying that they don't require vast quantities of strength and endurance because they do. Just at the level we were doing them at, they didn't.

So, over the course of the year, while I still worked out on top of dance and gymnastics I was not training the same ways that I used to, and I lost an amount of my dense muscle mass I had worked so long and hard for. Then in 2nd year I had to cook for myself. At that time I was a very basic kitchener when it came to food prep. So by the middle of that year I had dropped below 130lbs. I came home to a worried mother and was force fed over the course of my 3 week vacation.

3 years later I was able to gain most of that back. At the end of May I clocked in just over 140lbs. I was pretty solid muscle again, but not in the same ways because I was now training for different things. I have always had small boobs. Even in high school at my greatest weight I was only an A-cup. Since my muscle comp is now really diff, I have been unable to re-grow my boobs and they remain non-existent.

While my body weight has gone up I feel like the muscle density in places is still lacking and now that I'm getting older its much harder to gain it back in certain places, like my arms. My arms used to be rocks. I had the sickest delts known to mankind. They were beautiful. I say were, because I know longer possess such beautiful delts. I think I need to revamp my training a little so I can become the dense muscle tree that I once was and break out of my ectomorph shell in which I have been living for so long.

so cool

People are visiting my blog!! This is unreal. I never thought that people would ever come to this page in my whole life, but they are! And its people from all over the world. Germany, Russia, the US and of course my homeland of Canada. I don't really feel like I'm good enough for people to be reading what I have to say. Now I'm a little bit apprehensive about this whole blogging business.

In the past 4 months I have had almost 300 people visit my blog. Now I know by blogging standards that's not really a lot, but considering I thought that I would be the only person that ever read it when I first started it, tis pretty cool.

So, this is a thank you to all those people who have stumbled upon my page and hopefully found something they can identify with. If you just ended up on my page by accident, I guess that merits a thank you too, for getting my blog traffic going.

Cheers!

Lets jam life into death

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know. And why not? What do you have to lose? What do I have to lose? What would anyone have to lose from that? Life doesn't usually go according to plan, so why do we even plan anyway?

Cliche: Live everyday as though its your last. Lame, right? I don't know. Would I be happy if my life were over today? No, of course not because there are a lot of things that I still want to do. Lets not take that so literally then. Just chill the fuck out.

I have been working on chilling the fuck out. It feels good man to chill the fuck out. Why so serious? But really, why so serious? We do what we want, let the people talk, you know? It's that easy. But its that easy because I'm in a privileged situation.

I feel bad for the people who can't do what they want. I can, how is that fair? It would be nice to have some semblance of equity in the world, but that can't happen unless people chill the fuck out and aren't so damn greedy.

I digress. Because everyone's journey is going to be different anyway.

Let's go to grad school, ok don't feel like that, fine. Find somewhere new to live, experience new places and people. Get a dog. They'll wag their tails and make you happy and lick you and you'll be pissed but it wont matter that much because they're a dog. It'll have the fluffiest and softest ears and it'll run around, a lot. But it won't cry, and it won't tell you it hates you, and it'll cuddle up with you, and well I guess dogs just rock.

Oh man, look outside. It's a beautiful day. Oh well, I have shit to get done, guess I can't enjoy it. Fuck your shit. Your shit will be there tomorrow. In fact, it'll be there for the rest of your damn life. Enjoy the day. Be happy, do what you want.

Your feet hurt you say? That's because you aren't used to using them enough.

You don't know what you're talking about you say? Its ok, neither do I. Be confident and people will think you know what you're talking about.

Lets jam life into death, because that's all that really matters in the end isn't it...

Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands

I'm sure most people who have ventured across my types have noticed there has been a much greater amount of posts lately. The reason? Its paper season at University so, this also means its hardcore procrastination time.

I may have mentioned this before, but I am a runner. In the last year or so I have really gotten into it and find it extremely relaxing. Now I'm sure some people are thinking oh well running is addictive so of course you like it etc... However, I don't have nearly enough time to run that frequently, but I do try to get in to at least 2 good runs per week.

I am a huge fan of runners high. Well personally since over the course of my life I have been pretty into sports and physical activity I refer to it more as exercise or workout high, but whatevs, same difference. But, when the conditions are ideal (for me that's under 10-degrees, but above 0, sunny, crisp, not too windy, preferably taking place in the morning), fuck I feel amazing when I finish my run.

And depending on the situation this can last for quite a long time. In late september I participated in a 10k event at the Toronto Zoo. The night before I was really sick, and barely slept. I woke up in the morning and I even debated whether or not I should go because I felt so shitty. I went, I ran, I did pretty well considering, and my sickness just melted away and my runners high lasted all day long. It was probably close to a near perfect day.

Now, I feel like I'm really playing up this feeling and perhaps romanticizing it quite a bit, but if you haven't had the chance to feel it, I highly recommend it. And its totally free!!

Venom

For most of my life I have tried for the most part to surround myself with positive people who make me feel good. I would say as a mere human I have been quite successful at this, save for one person. For those of you who are avid 'friends' watchers this girl is the Amanda to the Phoebe//Monica outfit. Lets call me Phoebe (because I'm quite weird, although not in the same ways) and my other good friend Monica (because she's awesome but not in the same ways as Monica) and as we already established, this other girl as being Amanda (the 'brit').

Phoebe and Monica have been friends with Amanda for years. In the last few years (mostly this happened in university), Phoebe and Monica began to feel like whenever they hungout with Amanda they felt not very great afterwards and they had little to nothing in common anymore.

Despite this, they continued their friendship with Amanda (as we know from the Amanda in 'friends' she is quite persistent). Afterwards they would always go their separate ways but since Phoebe and Monica were much better friends they would complain to each other about this friendship they upheld.

One day on one such particular outting with Amanda, she made a particularly rude and mean comment to Monica in which Phoebe was really pissed off about. However, both girls maintained their composure and after decided to no longer see Amanda.

So what do you think Phoebe and Monica did next time Amanda pestered them to hangout? We went. Yes we did. We suck. After that incident however, after Amanda had made several jibes at both Phoebe and Monica about the 'subpar' lives they were leading did Phoebe snap. She went on a huge rant (not to Amanda of course, that would have been far to practical) about how she never ever wanted to see Amanda ever again, and Monica agreed.

Anyway, for about a month now Amanda has been trying to contact Phoebe and Monica and Phoebe has told Monica that if she is going to hangout with Amanda, I'm not going with because I have decided to do some venom sucking on this particular rattler. And in all honesty, it feels great that Amanda is no longer in my life. I'm going to chance it and go all cliche on your asses and say its liberating and empowering even, that I don't have to put up with her shit anymore.

Feels good man to grab life by the balls and drag it in the direction you want. I've started doing that with other things and its been a slice. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend you do.

Organization is for the weak

I'm not a very organized person in life, so my thoughts aren't very organized either. Often when I talk it comes out all jumbled because I don't know how to organize my thoughts into words. I'm making it sound like I have some sort of disability, but I assure you as far as I know, I do not.

sleep is a luxury I know nothing of.

I want to watch Wall-e again but I'm scared to.

How do you know when you're about to die you won't regret living the life we would have had together?

It's not fair. Why does all this shit happen to good people? I wish I could take some of my friends hurts from her and have them for myself so she doesn't have to deal with as much shit.

You don't have to lie to my face, I can handle the truth.

What is my moms deal?

I never thought my kind, caring and loving nature would be what was my downfall.

About a week ago this weird taste appeared at the back of my throat and whenever I swallow its there. What does that mean?

I'm tired. Exhausted actually.

I am alienated by my thoughts and feelings.

I can't often describe what's going through my head.

You got your high school fantasy, so I hope you're happy and it's everything you thought it would be.

Actually I don't hope that. Because I'm a bitch. But I also hope that soon I do hope that.

I can't actually type properly.

I'm so fucking tired of school. It's time to move on, but I can't til I get my hons ba.

I never know what you want from me. You need to grow some balls and use your words.

I don't have time for tricks and mind games.

I don't know what I want from life, but I know what I want to do.

I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me, and I don't know how to make myself not love them anymore.

I have a crush on this girl who I work with, but since I'm no longer dating anyone, I wonder if that's cool.

How come you never answered my email? I feel even more confused now.

I'm not smart enough, but I think too much.

How come I can't just go to Hogwarts where none of this shit would exist?

I'm so damn tired of how important humans think they are.

I miss you, more than you know.

Androgynous

I am not a fan of rap, but when it comes to EMINEM, he's not that bad. I was recently uploading his recovery album to my computer and had a little flip through the front cd pocket. I found this picture and the image struck me.

I find in this picture his features to be very androgynous. While if you look at the photo closely you can discern that he is in fact a male. But if you look at it and did not know who he was, it looks find of like a topless female.

I don't know a lot about EMINEM so I'm not sure if this photo was done in this way intentionally or I just happened to notice and think that he looks androgynous in this pic. Maybe I'm far too immersed in my gender studies but to me it looks as though it could pass for some type of sociopolitical artistic commentary on males//females...

I can't

You're sitting there in front of me
As pretty as can be
So why is what I feel inside,
not in harmony?

I know you're falling fast,
but how hard I cant say,
I don't know what you'd ever want,
with me anyway.

I thought I'd made it clear,
of what was going on here.

Let's just cut the crap,
this shouldn't be an act

Just tell me what you want to say,
so I know if I need to be on my way.

Lets bring it back...(Book 1: HPATPS)

Since I went off Harry Potter a few weeks ago I have been experiencing a need and desire to keep it in my life. So I plan to. A number of years ago my best friend and I (both avid Harry Potter fans), were sitting at the kitchen table and jumped into some dialogue. As many of you know, the world and people of harry potter are quite easy to make fun of, especially in the dialogical form.

So I'm going to try and continue this legacy here, as we did it quite often and I'm still immature enough to engage in such tomfoolery. Because my last set of hp's were so organized, I'm going to try to do the same thing again. I shall begin with the first book and post one narrative at a time. I know reading this type of thing isn't ideal but I'm going to give it a try to see how it goes...

SCENE: Harry (HP) enters into Ollivander's (GO) to purchase his wand in Diagon Alley.

GO: I'd been wondering when I was going to see you Mr Potter.

HP: Wait why? Do I know you? I'm not supposed to speak to strangers. Actually, I'm not allowed to speak at all. If I do I get sent to my cupboard without any dinner.

GO: Right. Well Sonny, why don't we just fix you up with a wand?

HP: A wand? Like for magic? Did you know I'm a wizard?

GO: Well of course you're a wizard. Goodness gracious with parents like yours I'd have thought you'd have been a touch brighter sonny. No matter, try this one.

(Harry takes the wand and proceeds to wreck a number of Ollivander's things. This goes on for a number of wands)

HP: Perhaps sir I'm not meant to be a wand carrier?

GO: Why don't be silly boy, you're Harry Potter. No matter, I think this one may do the trick.

(Harry takes the wand and magic happens)

GO: Curious, very curious.

HP: Sir, what's curious.

GO: I remember every wand I've ever sold Mr Potter. The study of wandlore is a tricky branch of magic. Any wandmaker will tell you that the wand chooses the wizard. I'm sure we can expect great things from you Mr Potter. After all, He who must not be named did great things. Terrible, but great.

HP: But sir I still don't understand.

GO: Harry m'boy. Your wands brother gave you that very scar.

HP: No sir that's not right. My parents died in a car crash and that's how I got this neat-o scar.

GO: Mr Potter you are quite mistaken. For he-who-must-not-be-named did that to you.

HP: Who is this not namer? I must know immediately and then prove his inferiority by using his name whenever I can.

GO: That's not wise Mr Potter. While I'm sure we can expect great things from you with this wand, you'd never be able to do any of the great things that the dark lord did.

HP: Why does that even matter? Sir I don't understand. I'm so confused.

GO: Why don't you just get one of your parents to explain it.

HP: I can't. They're dead. God. No sympathy in the wizarding world. BROOD.


So, after having read this I see that the whole dialogue thing doesn't really work so well via reading. I'll try a few more and if they don't come together, no matter, I'm no worse off.

green eyes

Coldplay is probably one of my favourite bands, and this song is probably on of my favourites by them:

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you
And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you
And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes, you’re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter, since I met you
Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes
Green eyes

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand

reverse reverse

I don't often watch television so I haven't ever really thought about commercials in awhile. I kind of had a realization on this topic and I feel quite stupid for not having thought of it before. Rather than the advertising filling the places between the show, its the show that's filling the spaces between the advertising.

Of course the advertising industry is giagantuan so why wouldn't they be the ones in charge of the whole thing? Now of course I understand that the show is what draws the viewer to the tv in the first place, but once they're there, the commercials are in the drivers seat. The show simply fills the time in between until you can be bombarded again by carefully calculated advertisements that have been through focus groups, and psychologist testing, and everything under the sun to be sure that they are marketing to the correct demographic.

Personally, if I worked in the tv industry I would feel really shitty about my job after figuring this out. The show is simply the draw to get the correct audience to view commercials. I guess in the grand scheme of things this concept doesn't really matter since I suppose it's been like this for a long time, its just an interesting way of thinking about it.

Since I don't really watch tv at all this doesn't affect me. But, they have added advertisements in front of just about every youtube video (that has been professionally licensed) and small clips on websites such as the bbc which sucks balls. oh blurg.

The forgeteries

Do you ever make a note about something and then come back to it later and have no idea what it's referring to? I do it all the time. In fact, I just recently looked through my notes on my cell phone, one of which is fairly recent and the other rather oldish.

The first and older note simply says: bionicarm. To my knowledge I have no recollection of making this note, however I'm assuming it has something to do with either robots or a really strong robotic arm.

The second and really quite recent note (I believe I put it in my phone within the last couple of weeks) say: Dark wizards with interludes of comedic relief. Now I do remember writing this one. I was half asleep (I was on my way to a peaceful slumber), when all of the sudden this fully formed idea (which I now can remember for the life of me) popped into my head. I remember thinking it was an amazing idea and that I should write a note so I would remember it. For some reason I seemed to believe that dark wizards with interludes of comedic relief would somehow jog my memory on the idea come morning time. Obviously I was sorely mistaken.

I really hope that both of these things eventually come to me because I wouldn't have written them down if they weren't important. Maybe my remembery will kick in so I can set dark wizards into action.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 7 of 7)

Alas, I have finally made it through my harry potter adventure! I must say I feel much more British now. Nope, only joking.

I remember like it was yesterday, waiting in line at Chapters for the final novel of Harry Potter, rushing home to read it and then discuss it in a mini book club at work on Monday.

For the last installment, not bad. We certainly do see those harryisms shining through right til the last novel. Hermione doesn't disappoint and successfully manages to get the three of them out of countless near death experiences. Harry is broody as always, especially when he wears the Horcrux and remembers all the things that make him the chosen one (oh my god. this is so unfair. ol dumbly left me with nothing. NOTHING. i hate my life, i must not tell lies, arghgha everything makes me feel angsty. I dont even like stewed mushrooms, i also dont like this new blackthorn wand it doesnt work properly...aaahh hollllly and phoenix featherrrrrr).

In the 7th book, JK provides us with one of the best chapters she has ever written in her life: The Prince's Tale. Since Severus Snape is obviously the best character in all of Harry Potter to get his story is a treat like none other. Everything makes sense after you read this chapter and then your love of snape grows 10 fold.

While I understand why she wrote the 19 years later chapter, it was still pretty sucky. It seemed very 'lets tie it all together in a neat and tidy way'. I mean obviously Hermione and Ron were going to be together, but I was personally never a big fan of ginny and harry together. But I suppose that the harry-ginny ron-hermione route was an easy one for her to take and it made sense and she didn't want to write any other HP novels so it was a necessary evil.

In terms of the movies, when it was first announced that they planned on dividing up the 7th novel into 2 parts I must admit I was quite excited. I believed that finally they would be able to not skip out on any of the details and that they would be just like the books. Well I was 50% right. The first movie I have very few complaints. My only issue would probably be the part with Kreacher at Grimauld place. They didn't really play up his importance in the movie and his connection to Regulus and the locket. Also I found the elves and goblins to look far too human like. In the earlier volumes they looked very goblin and elfish but in the final 2 movies their features were surprisingly human-like. Other than that the movie was virtually by the book.

The 7th installment part 2, oh man, huge disaster. Considering they had very little to still cover you would think it wouldn't be hard for them to stick to the book. So much was different unnecessarily. At the end when Harry kills Voldy they are by themselves amongst ruins outside of the castle. This is only one example, but they barely make this battle out to be the epicness that it actually was. Whatever, it was a horrible end to a movie series that could have been epic as fuck.

1000 piece puzzle

I feel like I have been broken into a thousand little pieces and I can't put myself back together. This sounds melodramatic, but I've never felt like this so I don't really know how else to describe it. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I go to pick up a piece to put myself back in order but its heavy and full of emotion and it hurts to reattach it, so I put it back down. I have tried everything. I try to pick up the piece and not think about it, I pick up the piece and invest myself in it, I go long periods of time trying to pretend that there aren't any pieces that even need picking up, I've swept them under the bed, I've tried to distract myself that they exist.

I definitely believed myself to be a much stronger person than this. I guess I'm not. But I would give a hell of a lot not to feel this way, but it doesn't work that way does it? It's quite lonely here, despite my distraction, and my friends, and my attempts to keep busy beyond reason. Everyone says this type of stuff gets easier with time, so why does it feel like it's getting harder? I'm more confused and more exhausted and more distant than I was last week, or the week before that, and the week before that.

I want more than anything to be able to pick up all of my pieces in a pain free way, but I'm not sure if that's possible.

I am Woman

Lately I have been grappling a lot with my ideas surrounding feminisms, femininity, and what it means to be a woman. I'm not sure if I necessarily agree with the things that I hear and discuss in my classes.

I am proud to be a young woman, though I don't think I have found my voice yet. My classmates often seems so sure that they have found this voice and are coming to terms with their feminisms. I don't know if this puts me behind the times, but I don't think that I'll be ale to find this voice of reason in my studies.

Education is a crucial component in the development of many ideas, but as I move forward into the next portion of my life I can't help but wonder if the ideas I've been working with for the past 4 years have been worthwhile. They have certainly given me insight into different ways of thinking, but I'm not sure how I feel about them now.

Most of the feminist thinking that I have been exposed to has been collectively oriented. Collectivity is an important aspect to any movement, however I doubt that each women in this movement is looking within. Over the last few weeks I have come to the conclusion that my femininity and femalenesss needs to fought with an decided at a very personal level. With that in mind, I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I can exist and be in life.

I have decided to begin this journey at a rather crude and haphazard level: the body. While I know this is rather cliche in within the realm of feminist and gender studies, I feel as though if I begin here I'll be able to gain a deeper meaning and understanding of my femaleness if I begin at a tangible level.

How do I plan on doing this? While I have certainly been doing a lot of thinking on the matter, I have also decided that writing will also be an effective vehicle for me to work through ideas. For most of my life I have really hated on poetry, however this has recently been eradicated as I have begun reading much more avant-garde poems. One such example of this is blueprint. One of my friends recently gave me copy of blueprint (a mag//zine type of journal). As he handed me the copy I saw that the issue was entitled: FEMININITY. I must say I was originally a little disappointed, but after having read through it, I was looking at many of the poetic stories with a new found appreciation.

I am going to try out some poetry of my own in hopes that it will bring me closer to who I am as woman. When I pluck up the courage, hopefully sooner rather than later, I'll post a poem here.