Quick Fix

On Friday after months of being, I finally came to a realization about the way I was currently embarking upon my life. I have been using a series of quick fixes to try and forget or deal with whats going on.

This summer I had the pleasure and enjoyment of losing my two best friends. I lost one to a new boyfriend (and don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that she's found someone that makes her really happy, but...I guess I'm just selfish) and the other to, well I'm not sure, life I guess. This really sucks butt because they were and are amazing people and I happen to miss them a lot, and I'm not really dealing well without best friends.

I still have my friends who are also amazing people, but my relationship with them is different. I can't tell them everything and anything because that's not the relationship that I've built with them. Both of my best friends I could cuddle and schnuggle with and completely be myself around, and I didn't have to ask if it was ok, because it always was.

And I've been wondering lately when I'm not going to care anymore that they've left, and when its not going to matter that I don't have them for support like I used to anymore. And the problem is, I don't know if I can not care because they are such special people.

Over these months I have inserted a number of 'quick fixes' into my life to try and get over this shit. And on Friday I think I finally realized that quick fixes and distractions are not the answer to this. The distractions make me bipolar and lash-outtie. I get frustrated because of these 'fixes' and I wonder what the point of them is and I just want them out of my life.

I mean why am I even doing my grade 9 piano? Do I really want to, or am I just trying to fill up my time? Why am I spending so much time with someone I don't even like that much? Why am I even writing this blog? Why is it that I only have 3 classes this year and I have never been more disorganized or behind in my life? Why am I planning a trip around North America by myself?

The thing I feel at this very moment is exhaustion. I don't have the energy to think about answering those questions. For the amount of tired I feel, you'd think I would fall asleep immediately at night, but I don't, it takes hours. But now that I've realized that I'm inserting things into my life how do I deal with that?

I know what one of my best friends would say. He would say take control of the situation, and stop doing what you don't want. If he read this, he would probably be disgusted with me and my lack of direction. But that's easier said than done, especially if you don't even know what you want once you remove all the shit from your life. Because once all the things you were hiding behind are gone, you're forced to accept the fact that you're best friends are gone, or that you've really fucked up whatever, or that you just want out.

I feel like I've rambled on for a really long time about nothing, so if you wasted your time reading this, my apologies and here is an excellent picture^ to make up for it...