One Can't be a Bull in a China Shop

I held the glass in my hand. Then I lost my grasp and it slipped. It slipped right out of my hand. What a great glass. My most favourite of glasses, and it slipped, slipped out of my hand. It fell, almost as though it were in slow motion. Out of my hands. I watched it fall, knowing its fate because of the badness that befell it. But the glass didn't know. The glass wouldn't know until it was already too late. Then it hit the floor. It hit the floor, but it didn't make a crash though it was in a thousand pieces. They were everywhere. The piece, just scattered about, everywhere. How does one clean up a mess like that without cutting their fingers on the pieces? They were everywhere and nothing could be done as the glass was already broken. It was much too late. The glass had slipped and you were unable to catch it in time. You can never glue it back together. For glue is never the answer. You'll never find all of the pieces and you will just cut your lip on the edge of your make-shift glass. The best you can do is buy a new glass. You buy a new glass and make sure that it's not your favourite. For when this one slips from your fingers, you don't mind. You don't mind and all you have to do is sweep up the glass and throw it out. Throw it in the garbage and think nothing of it. Perhaps plastic cups are the answer...

Purge Deleted

On average it takes about 7 minutes to fall asleep. This was not the case for me for a long time. Then I made a few changes to my life, and sleep is starting to come a little easier.

I'm beginning to realize that many things that happen in your life are a reaction from another symptom. This is good news since through a series of trial and error processes you can create a life (within reason) that is essentially to your liking.

Try it out, and then rest easy...

Christmas

For those of you that don't like Christmas, you can either suck it up for a month, or don't visit my page. Its that easy, because I love Christmas!!

It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything

Why do people feel like they have to find meaning? What is this meaning? What is our purpose? As presumptuous as this sounds, I feel like I may have these answers for myself. For me, I find that we have no purpose or meaning unless we decide we need to create one.

My whole life I was so busy living my life that I didn't really think about my essence of being and my own embodiment in time and space. Maybe that's what its about. Maybe living your life and not searching for meaning or purpose is the answer, because by virtue of not searching for those things you have inadvertently embraced them.

Lately the way in which I am trying to understand these these things and live my life has been very trial and error. My most recent way of being is to isolate yourself from past and future and simply 'be' in the present. I'm not sure if this is a realistic way of living, or how long it can go on for, but it seems like another way of embodying my experience on earth.

By doing it this way, everything is in the moment: happiness, sadness, anger, laughter, whatever it maybe, these emotions are, and become the meaning of each situation. What can we really search for? Perhaps trying to feel happy (or sad, or hopeful- whatever fits best with you) for as many days as we can before we die is the best we can hope for...

But the more I write here, the more I feel as though don't have the answer for myself as I presumptuously stated earlier. Maybe it's the people, like myself who agonize over these things that are trapped. Maybe those who don't need to search for meaning or purpose (or whatever, in the larger sense), are free. They are free to embrace life in a carefree way, which in turn is their 'purpose.'

I have not voiced these ideas to many, and those that I have voiced them to think I am a weirdo (to put it gently), which often makes for lonely thoughts at times. But maybe that in itself becomes the meaning and purpose on my own journey...

True North Strong and Free?

Why is there never any conversation in our country about the shit that we have put minority groups through? There is such a disposition here to be not like the United States, that you almost think we have something to hide. Why is it that whenever things like slavery and immigration (rights) are talked about most Canadians are content to conclude that those 'things' only happened and are happening South of the border?

There was slavery here. In fact, there was as much slavery here as there was in the US in the 18th century. We often tout this underground railroad through which black slaves were able to escape to freedom in the north. The truth of the matter is, in many instances blacks that escaped to Canada often found themselves being recaptured and used as slaves here. Those that were able to escape and keep their freedom weren't free.

There is a house (I believe its now a museum), in Hamilton Ontario that was used in the 18th century as a safe house. The reality of this safe house though, was that nobody could leave. They couldn't even go outside, how is this freedom? Why are we calling our country a place of refuge for these people when we were no more accepting of them then they were in the South?

Dresden, Ontario (among many other cities across the country- see Africville) was one particular place that even after WWII black people experienced huge levels of racism. In this town essentially all privately owned enterprises refused to serve blacks. This did not change for an exceptionally long time, when Leslie Frost (the then Premier of Ontario) to the demise of most of his party, created a law stating that minorities could not be turned away at private enterprises.

In 1932 Ray Lewis, whom I believe was a track athlete was the first black Canadian male to win a medal in the Olympics. Upon his return to Canada he was unable to find work even as a high school track coach and was forced to return to working as a porter on the railway (a job that was primarily done by only blacks). I highly doubt his other track teammates were unable to find work after their Olympic success. Things like this make me so disappointed in my country and its people. Why is this type of history not shared in school at the elementary and high school level?

Why are people like Louis Riel (native activist) made out to look like a villain when he's actually a hero? I distinctly remember learning in high school about what a terrible person he was and how much 'trouble' he caused for the RCMP. WTF??

The next lil topic I want to briefly touch upon (as I don't know very much about it), is treatment of Japanese Canadians during WWII. I have recently begun reading Obasan (which will definitely lead to more research on my part, after I complete the novel). I knew that Japanese Canadians faced varying degrees of racism during WWII, and more specifically after the bombings of Pearl Harbor, but I didn't really know the extent. Japanese Canadians (meaning they were already citizens, sometimes even multigenerational citizens) were rounded up (particularly on the West Coast) and shipped off into internment camps. They are described as being little better than concentration camps.

I guess what really bugs me about all this is that our country prides itself in being multicultural and accepting of all that enter. Time and time again do I hear people exclaiming at how different we are (and historically are) from our Southern counterparts. We really aren't that different at all, and what's even worse is that this information has somehow been written out of our history. This information must be sought out, rather than taught alongside other topics in Canadian history. blurg.

Quidditch Through the Ages

Pretttty legit. The part about Madame Pince, kinda weird, but whatevs. We get a pretty extensive look at Quidditch's origins, as well as the origins of the broomstick. It goes back to the middle ages when brooms and broom sports were first invented.

The book, similarly to FBAWTFT takes a very british-centric take on the whole matter. They make places like Africa and Asia to seem quite "behind the times" when it comes to magic in an almost primitive way. That really made me quite angry as I wasn't really expecting to have to critique the story as I read it.

I would say FBAWTFT is a better book on the whole, as to me it seems more magical, if that's possible seeing as this is all magical stuff anyway. Despite its length to me it seemed a touch too long, or maybe it was just poorly laid out. not sure.

Overall, good read, if you want some quick and light Harry Potter lovin' happening in your life.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

So I just realized that I promised commentary on FBAWTFT and Quidditch Through the Ages. Ill do both now so I don't have the forgeteries again.

In FBAWTFT Jk does a pretty cool job of laying out the magical creatures. What is a little peculiar is that we somehow have access to a reproduction of Harry's copy of the book. The stuff that him and Ron have written in it is kinda lame, but for the most part ok.

What I was a little disappointed about however, was most of the beasts originated in the UK. Im not saying that there is anything wrong with that, because she is british, but at the beginning of the novel the 'author' was touted to have been all over the world and extensively researched fantastic beasts.

I did quite enjoy the introduction at the beginning of the novella explaining the various historical underpinnings of what a beast is, who//what is labelled as a beast, etc...

Overall it provides a fairly specific look at many magical creatures some of which I have no idea how she came up with the names or purpose of. It must take a pretty intense imagination.

Quick Fix

On Friday after months of being, I finally came to a realization about the way I was currently embarking upon my life. I have been using a series of quick fixes to try and forget or deal with whats going on.

This summer I had the pleasure and enjoyment of losing my two best friends. I lost one to a new boyfriend (and don't get me wrong, I'm really happy that she's found someone that makes her really happy, but...I guess I'm just selfish) and the other to, well I'm not sure, life I guess. This really sucks butt because they were and are amazing people and I happen to miss them a lot, and I'm not really dealing well without best friends.

I still have my friends who are also amazing people, but my relationship with them is different. I can't tell them everything and anything because that's not the relationship that I've built with them. Both of my best friends I could cuddle and schnuggle with and completely be myself around, and I didn't have to ask if it was ok, because it always was.

And I've been wondering lately when I'm not going to care anymore that they've left, and when its not going to matter that I don't have them for support like I used to anymore. And the problem is, I don't know if I can not care because they are such special people.

Over these months I have inserted a number of 'quick fixes' into my life to try and get over this shit. And on Friday I think I finally realized that quick fixes and distractions are not the answer to this. The distractions make me bipolar and lash-outtie. I get frustrated because of these 'fixes' and I wonder what the point of them is and I just want them out of my life.

I mean why am I even doing my grade 9 piano? Do I really want to, or am I just trying to fill up my time? Why am I spending so much time with someone I don't even like that much? Why am I even writing this blog? Why is it that I only have 3 classes this year and I have never been more disorganized or behind in my life? Why am I planning a trip around North America by myself?

The thing I feel at this very moment is exhaustion. I don't have the energy to think about answering those questions. For the amount of tired I feel, you'd think I would fall asleep immediately at night, but I don't, it takes hours. But now that I've realized that I'm inserting things into my life how do I deal with that?

I know what one of my best friends would say. He would say take control of the situation, and stop doing what you don't want. If he read this, he would probably be disgusted with me and my lack of direction. But that's easier said than done, especially if you don't even know what you want once you remove all the shit from your life. Because once all the things you were hiding behind are gone, you're forced to accept the fact that you're best friends are gone, or that you've really fucked up whatever, or that you just want out.

I feel like I've rambled on for a really long time about nothing, so if you wasted your time reading this, my apologies and here is an excellent picture^ to make up for it...

Girl, Interrupted

This piece is called Girl, Interrupted at her Music. It is a painting done by Vermeer c. 1661. It is this backdrop which Susanna Kaysen writes her memoir about her time at McLean hospital in the 1960's. If you have never read the novel, I highly recommend it.

I plan on speaking more broadly about mental illness. For those of you that are familiar with Susanna's story, you'll know that she was possibly questionably admitted to the mental facility in which she was a patient. The questionability of mental illness will be my focus.

What most intrigues me about mental illness is that 'crazy' requires some form of 'normalized' group for which to have a definition in the first place. How are you supposed to act and think so you don't get classified as crazy and placed on the margins of society?

There have been times when I've kept my mouth shut, and not voiced my opinion because I felt as though it would be too weird or people would think I'm nuts. Doesn't everyone feel crazy to some extent most of the time? Then you think, well if I'm thinking about being crazy, I can't possibly be there, can I? Because crazy people aren't supposed to know they're crazy...

But is the fact that one becomes self aware of their craziness mean that they have the capacity to become cured? Until I read Girl, Interrupted I didn't think that you could be cured of a mental illness or being crazy, because that would make you not crazy in the first place. I certainly thought they were something to be controlled and you lived with for life. If you could cure a mental illness, to me it seems like it doesn't fall under the category of a mental illness in the sense that we understand them.

A mental disorder is defined as a psychological or behavioral issue that one struggles with due to some form of distress. The DSM goes into much greater detail about this as well as categorizes each mental disorder. Perhaps if the distress is removed from someones life they can be cured? However, if that type of distress returns to their life, they can still fall back into their disorder, so are they cured? To me removing distress is a form of management.

With the case of Susanna Kaysen, she was concluded to be cured of borderline personality disorder. Mind you, since the 1960's the definition and characteristics of borderline personality disorder have been 'revamped' numerous times. If you were to read the definition that she provides to us, most people would have borderline personality disorder.

But how many little boxes must be checked before you cross the line from sanity to INsanity? To be there isn't a line between the two. I feel like many people who are deemed insane may simply understand, and view life a different way. I'm not arguing against insanity, rather the way in which its viewed.

Most days I feel insane or like I'm going crazy. Does my eccentricity put me on the fringes? I suppose that everyone will view insanity differently and most people will shrink into the shadows when its mentioned, and try beyond all to stay on the 'sane' side of the spectrum.

#why is everything hash tagged these days?

#whats the point of these things anyway?
#every time I open #facebook everyone's #posts are hash tagged.
#how would we look to an #alien community with number signs in front of everything?
#recent example: why don't I own a pushup bra? #lady problems.
#I don't get it.
#Why does the #hash tag need to be there?
I have the #answer: it doesn't.

"Confidence Cohen, Confidence"

So, judging by my 2 posts, its obviously been a successful day for procrastination.

I am pretty much the most confident person you will ever meet. JOKES!! Over the years I have been told on multiple occasions, by multiple people that I am better than I believe myself to be. As far as I am concerned I am average in every aspect of my life.

As far as my looks go, I have never really been a fan of the way I look. And I'm not going to lie, the introduction of a beautiful woman (who is apparently greatly been greatly sought and fought about over the years) enters into my ex's life mere days after we broke up, certainly didn't help those confidence levels.

But, as some may remember I began a short time ago my journey of the 'self' beginning at the level of embodiment. I tried writing poetry, but I'm fairly garbage at it, so that was quite short lived. I am tall and blonde and slender, which by societal standards is the backdrop for drop dead gorgeousness. But, I don't think I have ever thought of myself that way, nor has anyone else in my entire life. Plus I feel like that makeup is beginning to become a little passe for the definition of a gorgeous person.

Yesterday however, while riding the subway home, not thinking about anything in particular, and I looked up and caught my reflection in the subway glass. That moment was relevatory for me. All of the sudden I realized that I was beautiful. And I don't want to sound cocky or whatever at this point. Because when I say I looked beautiful I certainly don't mean in the conventional sense. I meant that all of the sudden I seemed to be ok with the fact that I am not pretty, hence I was able to see my own beauty. In that moment that I looked up at myself I look tired and sad but content, my hair was not doing anything special and my face was au naturel. But I was ok with it, for the first time in my life.

When I got home I looked in the mirror to see if this 'beauty' was still there, but it had gone. As though it was just a passing fancy across my face.

Quotes

I have some quotes// words of wisdom I am quite fond of, and I thought I would share them here:

"Actions speak louder than words."

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become your actions. Watch your actions, for they become your habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."

"I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing"

"'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"

"Don't exchange what you want the most, for what you want at this moment."

"Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

"There are things we don't want to happen - but have to accept that they'll happen anyways. Things we don't want to learn - but have to learn them anyways..and people we cannot live without, but have to let them go anyways."

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."

"One can forgive, but one should never forget."

"It reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew, and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water." - W.C Fields

So, there it is. A few of my personal faves in the quotes department. I've only credited the final quote, as it makes sense to do so in this context. For those that don't know, WC Fields was a early to mid 20th century American comedian.

The Tales of Beedle the Bard

Most Harry Potter fans have not fully explored the full works. There are 3 other novellas written by JK, that of course require some amount of commentary. At the end of my huge 7 part saga I didn't really want to include these guys in it, but now since my life needs a lil extra HP, I thought I'd do 'em up.

So, I shall begin with the tales of Beedle the Bard (TTOBTB). For those of you who do not know, TTOBTB is a compilation of wizarding fables and fairy tales. JK does a fair job at these and her inclusion of Dumbledore's notes is quite interesting.

However, I do get the sense that she was getting quite tired of writing about all this stuff with the onset of this book. Her introduction lacked heart and excitement. The stories themselves were quite good, but Dumbledore's notes seemed sub-par and almost campy in a way.

I thought it was weird how the supposed copy us muggles had gotten a hold of was the one that Hermione had translated. I'm not sure why Hermione was the authority of translation at this juncture. Surely there are much more practised wizards at translating ruins?

Overall, I would say since the stories themselves are short, its worth the read if you would like an extra dose of the magical world of Harry Potter.

Next up: commentary on Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Citation Required

I am the type of person who quite enjoys being at school. It's like a giant circle jerk where everyone plays off of each other under the umbrella of academia. I also don't mind writing papers, especially in my upper years of study, as I seldom ever have to write on topics I am not interested in.

Over the past year or so I have found writing to be a highly calming activity. And until very recently I hadn't really thought very much about the fact that I was at ease while typing. While I enjoy writing academic papers and 'contributing' to this grand 'think tank' as a 'knowledge producer,' I'm beginning to tire of citing things and not always being able to write exactly what I feel about a certain topic.

My middle sister and I have always joked about writing a book about my youngest sister. A funny anecdotal novel about living with a 'youngest child.' The more we joke about it, the more I feel as though we should write it. And why not? Whenever people ask you what you plan to do with your life, writing never seems to be an acceptable answer (unless of course it's for academic purposes). They'll say to you oh yes that's nice, but what are you actually going to do?

And I agree, you can't be a writer unless you're well known or have some serious balls and are alright with possibly living in slum-like conditions until you do make it (which may never happen). Kind of like acting, isn't it? Well not really, because many talented actors go their whole lives never getting anywhere, whereas talented writers have a chance at making it as long as they show their work to enough people.

I'm not sure, perhaps this sudden onset of wanting to write is my enjoyment of writing coupled with my indecision of what to do after I leave my safe-haven called university.

whatcu said

So, why does the fact that I require a hug hurt so fucking much? I need a good scream and yell sesh stat.

femmePOWERment, free on friday nights at ICS

The community school that I work at holds an activity night each friday for young women aged 13-24. It is a 10 week program free of charge that is supposed to target young female community members and try to get them involved and off of the streets staying out of trouble. The activities are supposed to include sports, open discussions about issues such as race, class gender, etc..., cooking, leadership development, music making, community building, and the list goes on.

When I saw the poster for this hanging up at work I was wowed. I thought this sounds amazing how do I get involved? So I went and talked to a friend of mine that has coordinated a number of things there and she said that youth night is essentially dead. People show up here and there. They sit around and talk and listen to the radio with the people that run the show.

Now there is nothing wrong with talking, people can hash out some good thoughts//feelings//ideas that way, but from what I understood this isn't really whats going on. For me this is truly disappointing because ICS has a huge portion of young people in the surrounding area. There are 3 or 4 large high schools within either walking or easy transit distance.

Why has nobody bothered to visit these high schools and talk (if even for 10 minutes) with some of the girls there to find out what they want in a youth program and recruit them to come out? Why is this girls night only advertised inside of ICS?

I firmly believe that many people can make a difference in their own way, but they are seldom ever given the tools or opportunity. In all honesty, until I got to university I had never even been told that I can be in control of my own life and the path that it takes. You don't have to want to change the world, or be the best athlete, or feel comfortable talking to people. Maybe there are females who want to learn to use their music skills to write a song. Maybe some want to try yoga. Maybe they want lessons in self defense.

It confuses me as to why the people running this program don't look at it and feel totally and completely embarrassed by the effort that they are putting in. I know most people will say, well its just a job, why should you do extra work for something like that? And yes, while I agree that its a job, this type of work is highly important and requires a certain level of passion. The facilitators have the opportunity to affect change positively. They can make the same wage with the city working many other jobs, and sit on their ass there. I am willing to volunteer my time for this cause AND try to completely and totally revamp.

Unfortunately, my CRP is on sick leave at the moment, but as soon as she returns, I will be all over her about how I can get into this program and help to make it what it could be. I mean whats the point of gender equity and female empowerment if not everyone has the opportunity to exercise their strengths?

...and i had to jog to keep up

Yesterday I left my Caribbean Women Thinkers class at 6pm and headed to my stats class which also starts at 6, but since its university its actually 6:10. Irregardless, my next class is way on the other side of campus and 10 minutes is not nearly long enough for the average walker to arrive on time. At the corner of st george and willcox I found myself directly behind my prof. I thought sweet, class can't start without him so I'll just follow him to lecture and won't have to worry about arriving on time.

Well, the light changed green and if I had looked down even for a moment he would have been gone. Now I am by no means a slow walker. I'm 5'9" and walk at a pace that would indicate I am that height. My prof is in his forties and I have a good 2 inches on him. He is the fastest walker I have ever encountered in my life.

I don't think I'm really driving this point home though. I practically had to jog to keep up with him. A walk that I normally do in 10 minutes took me a mere 6 in this mans wake. 4 minutes might not sound like a a lot, but holy fuck it is. Double D, I salute you for throwing me for a loop.

Ectomorphisms

Hopefully my pun^ was enjoy by someone.

I am an ectomorph. For those of you who aren't engrossed in the world of body language or athletics, ectomorphs have lean body mass and have trouble storing fat and gaining bulk muscle.

Many moons ago when I was a wee high schooler, I clocked in my weight at around 148lbs in grade 12. At 5'9" I was pretty solid muscle as I barely spent any time not playing sports. When I arrived at University (now a few years ago), as a little physeddie there were new sports and activities they made you do like dance and gymnastics. Now I'm not slamming those sports or anything and saying that they don't require vast quantities of strength and endurance because they do. Just at the level we were doing them at, they didn't.

So, over the course of the year, while I still worked out on top of dance and gymnastics I was not training the same ways that I used to, and I lost an amount of my dense muscle mass I had worked so long and hard for. Then in 2nd year I had to cook for myself. At that time I was a very basic kitchener when it came to food prep. So by the middle of that year I had dropped below 130lbs. I came home to a worried mother and was force fed over the course of my 3 week vacation.

3 years later I was able to gain most of that back. At the end of May I clocked in just over 140lbs. I was pretty solid muscle again, but not in the same ways because I was now training for different things. I have always had small boobs. Even in high school at my greatest weight I was only an A-cup. Since my muscle comp is now really diff, I have been unable to re-grow my boobs and they remain non-existent.

While my body weight has gone up I feel like the muscle density in places is still lacking and now that I'm getting older its much harder to gain it back in certain places, like my arms. My arms used to be rocks. I had the sickest delts known to mankind. They were beautiful. I say were, because I know longer possess such beautiful delts. I think I need to revamp my training a little so I can become the dense muscle tree that I once was and break out of my ectomorph shell in which I have been living for so long.

so cool

People are visiting my blog!! This is unreal. I never thought that people would ever come to this page in my whole life, but they are! And its people from all over the world. Germany, Russia, the US and of course my homeland of Canada. I don't really feel like I'm good enough for people to be reading what I have to say. Now I'm a little bit apprehensive about this whole blogging business.

In the past 4 months I have had almost 300 people visit my blog. Now I know by blogging standards that's not really a lot, but considering I thought that I would be the only person that ever read it when I first started it, tis pretty cool.

So, this is a thank you to all those people who have stumbled upon my page and hopefully found something they can identify with. If you just ended up on my page by accident, I guess that merits a thank you too, for getting my blog traffic going.

Cheers!

Lets jam life into death

Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know. And why not? What do you have to lose? What do I have to lose? What would anyone have to lose from that? Life doesn't usually go according to plan, so why do we even plan anyway?

Cliche: Live everyday as though its your last. Lame, right? I don't know. Would I be happy if my life were over today? No, of course not because there are a lot of things that I still want to do. Lets not take that so literally then. Just chill the fuck out.

I have been working on chilling the fuck out. It feels good man to chill the fuck out. Why so serious? But really, why so serious? We do what we want, let the people talk, you know? It's that easy. But its that easy because I'm in a privileged situation.

I feel bad for the people who can't do what they want. I can, how is that fair? It would be nice to have some semblance of equity in the world, but that can't happen unless people chill the fuck out and aren't so damn greedy.

I digress. Because everyone's journey is going to be different anyway.

Let's go to grad school, ok don't feel like that, fine. Find somewhere new to live, experience new places and people. Get a dog. They'll wag their tails and make you happy and lick you and you'll be pissed but it wont matter that much because they're a dog. It'll have the fluffiest and softest ears and it'll run around, a lot. But it won't cry, and it won't tell you it hates you, and it'll cuddle up with you, and well I guess dogs just rock.

Oh man, look outside. It's a beautiful day. Oh well, I have shit to get done, guess I can't enjoy it. Fuck your shit. Your shit will be there tomorrow. In fact, it'll be there for the rest of your damn life. Enjoy the day. Be happy, do what you want.

Your feet hurt you say? That's because you aren't used to using them enough.

You don't know what you're talking about you say? Its ok, neither do I. Be confident and people will think you know what you're talking about.

Lets jam life into death, because that's all that really matters in the end isn't it...

Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands

I'm sure most people who have ventured across my types have noticed there has been a much greater amount of posts lately. The reason? Its paper season at University so, this also means its hardcore procrastination time.

I may have mentioned this before, but I am a runner. In the last year or so I have really gotten into it and find it extremely relaxing. Now I'm sure some people are thinking oh well running is addictive so of course you like it etc... However, I don't have nearly enough time to run that frequently, but I do try to get in to at least 2 good runs per week.

I am a huge fan of runners high. Well personally since over the course of my life I have been pretty into sports and physical activity I refer to it more as exercise or workout high, but whatevs, same difference. But, when the conditions are ideal (for me that's under 10-degrees, but above 0, sunny, crisp, not too windy, preferably taking place in the morning), fuck I feel amazing when I finish my run.

And depending on the situation this can last for quite a long time. In late september I participated in a 10k event at the Toronto Zoo. The night before I was really sick, and barely slept. I woke up in the morning and I even debated whether or not I should go because I felt so shitty. I went, I ran, I did pretty well considering, and my sickness just melted away and my runners high lasted all day long. It was probably close to a near perfect day.

Now, I feel like I'm really playing up this feeling and perhaps romanticizing it quite a bit, but if you haven't had the chance to feel it, I highly recommend it. And its totally free!!

Venom

For most of my life I have tried for the most part to surround myself with positive people who make me feel good. I would say as a mere human I have been quite successful at this, save for one person. For those of you who are avid 'friends' watchers this girl is the Amanda to the Phoebe//Monica outfit. Lets call me Phoebe (because I'm quite weird, although not in the same ways) and my other good friend Monica (because she's awesome but not in the same ways as Monica) and as we already established, this other girl as being Amanda (the 'brit').

Phoebe and Monica have been friends with Amanda for years. In the last few years (mostly this happened in university), Phoebe and Monica began to feel like whenever they hungout with Amanda they felt not very great afterwards and they had little to nothing in common anymore.

Despite this, they continued their friendship with Amanda (as we know from the Amanda in 'friends' she is quite persistent). Afterwards they would always go their separate ways but since Phoebe and Monica were much better friends they would complain to each other about this friendship they upheld.

One day on one such particular outting with Amanda, she made a particularly rude and mean comment to Monica in which Phoebe was really pissed off about. However, both girls maintained their composure and after decided to no longer see Amanda.

So what do you think Phoebe and Monica did next time Amanda pestered them to hangout? We went. Yes we did. We suck. After that incident however, after Amanda had made several jibes at both Phoebe and Monica about the 'subpar' lives they were leading did Phoebe snap. She went on a huge rant (not to Amanda of course, that would have been far to practical) about how she never ever wanted to see Amanda ever again, and Monica agreed.

Anyway, for about a month now Amanda has been trying to contact Phoebe and Monica and Phoebe has told Monica that if she is going to hangout with Amanda, I'm not going with because I have decided to do some venom sucking on this particular rattler. And in all honesty, it feels great that Amanda is no longer in my life. I'm going to chance it and go all cliche on your asses and say its liberating and empowering even, that I don't have to put up with her shit anymore.

Feels good man to grab life by the balls and drag it in the direction you want. I've started doing that with other things and its been a slice. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend you do.

Organization is for the weak

I'm not a very organized person in life, so my thoughts aren't very organized either. Often when I talk it comes out all jumbled because I don't know how to organize my thoughts into words. I'm making it sound like I have some sort of disability, but I assure you as far as I know, I do not.

sleep is a luxury I know nothing of.

I want to watch Wall-e again but I'm scared to.

How do you know when you're about to die you won't regret living the life we would have had together?

It's not fair. Why does all this shit happen to good people? I wish I could take some of my friends hurts from her and have them for myself so she doesn't have to deal with as much shit.

You don't have to lie to my face, I can handle the truth.

What is my moms deal?

I never thought my kind, caring and loving nature would be what was my downfall.

About a week ago this weird taste appeared at the back of my throat and whenever I swallow its there. What does that mean?

I'm tired. Exhausted actually.

I am alienated by my thoughts and feelings.

I can't often describe what's going through my head.

You got your high school fantasy, so I hope you're happy and it's everything you thought it would be.

Actually I don't hope that. Because I'm a bitch. But I also hope that soon I do hope that.

I can't actually type properly.

I'm so fucking tired of school. It's time to move on, but I can't til I get my hons ba.

I never know what you want from me. You need to grow some balls and use your words.

I don't have time for tricks and mind games.

I don't know what I want from life, but I know what I want to do.

I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me, and I don't know how to make myself not love them anymore.

I have a crush on this girl who I work with, but since I'm no longer dating anyone, I wonder if that's cool.

How come you never answered my email? I feel even more confused now.

I'm not smart enough, but I think too much.

How come I can't just go to Hogwarts where none of this shit would exist?

I'm so damn tired of how important humans think they are.

I miss you, more than you know.