I need a match to take me higher

When I'm awake, I'm not really awake. And if the guilty get no sleep, then I'm staying up on my mistakes.

Fewer Classes, More Work

This semester I am only taking 3 classes!! Woohoo! Right? Wrong! For some reason this semester has been one of the busiest, most work intensive I have ever had. This reading week I had assignment due, right in the middle of the week. I didn't even think that was allowed?! Apparently it is. I also have an art project due. Yes, an art assignment. Who would think that a geography student would have an art assignment due this week. This shit is messed up, whatever it is... But I will miss it dearly when its done. Better in here, than out there! That's what she said.

On Death and Dying

Of course, the infamous Kubler-Ross novel released in the 60's about the 5 stages of grief, by which our whole understanding of coping with death and other life-altering changes are based.

While I'm sure these authors are extremely learned people, I am skeptical of their theory. Maybe because of this theory we search so hard for these stages that we try to see them in everyone that grieves. And what happens when someone doesn't go through any of these stages? Surely there must be something wrong with them!

I also feel, those themselves that are grieving search for these signs to almost ensure that they are "on track," through the entire process. Because if you don't go through these stages you must not be able to heal correctly, or heal at all for that matter.

It's this uber prescriptivist mentality of western thought that I think could be holding us back from truly understanding each other. As it stands, I don't think that humans are very good at understanding one another. We have all these pre-concieved notions about how we should and should not 'be' and meanings behind every single behaviour that it clouds our true knowledge of those around us.

DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, ACCEPTANCE. Now it has been noted that these stages do not necessarily need to follow this order. But, it is certainly only acceptable to end with acceptance. And how long is too long to spend in any one of those categories?

As humans, we love to categorize. Categorizing puts us at ease (even if your category is deranged psycho killer, all is well as long as we can identify your category). Perhaps that's why we are so far removed from one another and understanding 'us' at the essence of our being. Maybe next time around the humans will get it right.

The Lightning Strikes

I - What If This Storm Ends?

What if this storm ends?
And I don't see you
As you are now
Ever again

The perfect halo
Of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against
The planet's last dance

Just for a minute
The silver forked sky
Lit you up like a star
That I will follow

Now it's found us
Like I have found you
I don't want to run
Just overwhelm me

What if this storm ends?
And leaves us nothing
Except a memory
A distant echo

I want pinned down
I want unsettled
Rattle cage after cage
Until my blood boils

I want to see you
As you are now
Every single day
That I am living

Painted in flames
All peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me
That strikes relentless

II - The Sunlight Through The Flags

From here the caravans are kids toys
And I can hold them all in my palm
I watch the sea creep round the corner
It connects the dots from here to you
The sunlight burning through the loose flags
Painted high on white church walls
I chase my blood from brain to thumped heart
Until I'm out of breath for trying

Worry not everything is sound
This is the safest place you've found
The only noise beating out is ours
Lacing our tea from honey jars

These accidents of faith and nature
They tend to stick in the spokes of you
But every now and then the trend bucks
And you're repaired by more than glue

Worry not everything is sound
This is the safest place you've found
The only noise beating out is ours
Lacing our tea from honey jars

Why don't you rest your fragile bones
A minute ago you looked alone
Stop waving your arms you're safe and dry
Breathe in and drink up the winter sky

III - Daybreak

Slowly the day breaks apart in our hands
And soft hallelujahs flow in from the church
The one on the corner you said frightened you
It was too dark and too large to find your soul in

Something was bound to go right sometime today
All these broken pieces fit together to make a perfect picture of us
It got cold and then dark so suddenly and rained
It rained so hard the two of us were the only thing
That we could see for miles and miles

And in the middle of the flood I felt my worth
When you held onto me like I was your little life raft
Please know that you were mine as well
Drops of water hit the ground like God's own tears
And spread out into shapes like
Salad bowls and basins and buckets for bailing out the flood

As motionless cars rust on driveways and curbs
You take off your raincoat and stretch out your arms
We both laugh out loud and surrender to it
The sheer force of sky and the cold magnet Earth

Something was bound to go right sometime today
All these broken pieces fit together to make a perfect picture of us
It got cold and then dark so suddenly and rained
It rained so hard the two of us were the only thing
That we could see for miles and miles

And in the middle of the flood I felt my worth
When you held onto me like I was your little life raft
Please know that you were mine as well
Drops of water hit the ground like God's own tears
And spread out into shapes like
Salad bowls and basins and buckets for bailing out the flood

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NNFOcPGXX4

You're not supposed to be here

You've appeared in my dreams in at least 3 of the last 7 days. I don't think that's supposed to happen. I'm certainly not supposed to be thinking about you in the way I am either. But you're really cool, and funny, and good looking, and fun...so I guess that's why you're all up inzz my head.

But I'm supposed to be finishing my degree, and working, and deciding what I want to do next, and figuring myself out, and you're kind of messing that up for me. You need to stop being so awesome, and making me laugh, and feel happy, especially since I'm not supposed to like you the way I do.

Seriously, no more dream appearances. But I'm actually a little excited to have you in my dreams on occasion.

I had a Dream

Yes, pun intended. Last night I had the most awesome dream of life. Before I tell you the dream I will give you some back story info so you can understand my excitement in this matter. I thoroughly enjoy cereal. Its really delect. One of my favourite cereals is corn pops. Now those of you from Canada probably know that Canadian Corn Pops and American Corn pops are two completely different cereals. The American ones are where its at (so I can obviously only get them when I'm in the states). Also, my dad is making a trip to Florida next week with my grandfather.

The dream: I woke up one bright sunny morning and went downstairs for breakfast. My dad had just arrived home from florida (I guess at some point during the night) and I was the only on in the kitchen. I opened the cupboard to get out a box of cereal and the whole thing was filled with boxes of corn pops! Then, I opened the pantry and that was also filled with corn pop boxes. Then I proceeded to open all the cupboards and they were all filled with corn pops. In my dream, it was the happiest day ever. Then the dream was over.

Words

flap flap flap... sometimes it's just easier that way.

Pensieve

I need to get myself a fucking pensieve so I can fall asleep for once in my life.

Blind Melon, No Rain

oh the 90's....again.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain,
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain.
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view but it's not sane.
It's not sane.
I just want someone to say to me, oh,
I'll always be there when you wake, yeah.
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today.
So stay with me and I'll have it made.
And I don't understand why sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain.
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake,
And it rips my life away but it's a great escape.
Escape, escape, escape.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain,
Ya don't like my point of view,
Ya think that I'm insane.
It's not sane, it's not sane.

I just want someone to say to me, oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake, yeah.
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today.
I really wanna really gonna have it made.
Oh. Oh. Oh.

Hallelujah

I'm sure most people have heard this song before. It's been covered a gajillion times. I think my favourite is probably either the Jeff Buckley version or the Rufus Wainwright version.

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there’s a God above
But all I’ve ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It’s not a cry you can hear at night
It’s not somebody who has seen the light
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well, really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQK4YfiPj1Q&ob=av2n
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8AWFf7EAc4&ob=av2e -- I think I enjoy the jeff buckley vers because he uses the electric in place of the piano in a really cool way.

Above Einstein's Study Door

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.

cocooning

After I finish my paper of epic and endless proportions, I just want a hug and someone to watch a movie with while we stay warm and sip hot chocolate that has been spiked with Baileys. Some sex by the fireplace wouldn't be bad either.

Instead I have to go to the cold and prickly outer realm alone with my lamezoid dog, and then be at home alone because I didn't think I had any chance of ever finishing this paper today.

hornicorn

alsnlvau fiewnfucliadsuf

really??! really? actually. fucking a. here's a song... Friends can make anyone smile. The 90's was where it's at.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D O A
It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week
Your month or even your year, but

I'll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you
(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)

You're still in bed at ten and work began at eight
You've burned your breakfast so far things are going great
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these
But she didn't tell you when the world
Has brought you down to your knees, that

I'll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you
(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)

No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me
Since you're the only one who knows what it's like to be me
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with
Someone I'll always laugh with
Even at my worst, I'm best with you, yeah

It's like you're always stuck in second gear
When it hasn't been your day, your week
Your month, or even your year

I'll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you
(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)

I'll be there for you
(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you
(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)

Last Person in the Woods

When is the last time you were outside? And I mean really outside. In a space of nature without tons of people milling about. Was it last week? Last month? Last year? Ten years ago? Ever?

Within walking distance from my house, there is only 1 park. By nature standards is pretty small, but its better than nothing. Until recently I had mostly only used the park to run in, and as an area for summer camp. Lately however I found that by going to the park in the middle of the day to be quite nice. I rarely see anyone, and when I do they're on the path. And its usually those super intense moms running their strollers at a mile a minute.

Since I have been coming to this park for most of my life, there isn't really any part that I haven't been to, especially since it's not that large. But I do know the spots where you can be with what wildlife is left in the park.

I suppose what disappoints me most is even on the most beautiful days there is never anyone in the park. Why don't schools walk over to the park and explore the parts of nature there to them? There are at least 6 schools within a ten minute walking distance to the park, 3 of which are practically in the park.

The kids at these schools are learning about many of the processes that are going on in the park with nature and wildlife and recreation. Why aren't the teachers bringing them into nature to figure some of these things out for themselves? Our world expects us to be so fast paced, its encouraged to use technology to get the answers faster. Its easier to just tell the kinds whats happening rather than bring them someplace where they can learn, and foster an understanding for themselves. Isn't that supposedly the role of a teacher? To facilitate learning?

The thing that makes me most disappointed is how this simply gets perpetuated later into our lives. Very few of us as children went out into nature and felt and understood what was happening. I have very few memories of going into nature as a young child in school. When it did happen we never really left the school property and were forced to use whatever "nature" we could find amidst our field of grass. As an adult if you want to go and study and be apart of nature, it only seems acceptable to do so if you're doing some form of research. If not, you're essentially branded an unsuccessful hippie.

And it's not as though people don't have an affinity to nature. As humans we love to look at natural scenes and generally be in nature once we're introduced to it. So how the heck do we get people to learn about the world and themselves through nature? I guess since nature is free, nobody will ever endorse it, so its a losing battle.

That's a deal breaker ladies

Soooooo, since 30ROCK is awesome. Well the early seasons are awesome at least. I thought I would attempt to write some of my own deal breakers in memorandum of season 3(?) Ok, I can't quite remember, it was awhile ago, but I'm pretty sure deal breakers was in season 3. I apologize for the terribleness in advance.

If your man is over 30 and has a cat, that's a deal breaker ladies.

If your man skypes topless, that's a deal breaker ladies.

If your man spends more time on his makeup than you, that's a deal breaker ladies.

If your man has more girlfriends than you do, that's a deal breaker ladies.

If your man's favourite drink is a cosmo, that's a deal breaker ladies.

If your man goes to work in his bathrobe, that's a deal breaker ladies.

If your man brushes his teeth with his finger, that's a deal breaker ladies.

If your man wears more jewelry than you, that's a deal breaker ladies.

If your man has styled facial hair, that's a deal breaker ladies.

If your man's favourite singer is Celine Dion, that's a deal breaker ladies.



This was not that successful. Shut it down!

I'll see you on the red carpet

I guess I'll have to make an appearance at the Oscars to collect my academy award.

Concerts

I think the best 3 concerts to see of all time (with legit seating of course), and disregarding that 2 of the 3 are no longer a possibility to see, would be:

1. U2- Apparently they put on a concert like none other. The staging and props are supposedly unreal and you leave feeling like you've never seen a better concert.

2. Queen- Obviously this is no longer possible, but I feel like Queen would likely be the greatest concert you ever saw. For one, Freddie Mercury, and for another, I feel like they wouldn't hesitate to bring out a full orchestra to the stage.

3.Beethoven- Obviously another impossibility. The venue would have to be quite small. Under 20 people in attendance in the most pompous location ever, with only the finest orchestral body and the most gorgeous piano ever made by mankind.


I know 3 is probably quite difficult to narrow it to. I was tempted to put Billy Joel on the list as he's really amazing. Michael Jackson was also a strong contender. I'm not really a Springsteen fan, but apparently he puts on a concert to remember. Also I've heard that Bryan Adams does too. When I heard that I found that really surprising because he doesn't really seem like the type to have an unreal concert. I also toyed with Chopin, but I felt that Beethoven would be much more intriguing and amazing to watch.

Any other ideas?? // What would you're top 3 be everybody?

And the realization arrives

Have you ever been at a point where you really need to escape from whatever is going on? It builds up and builds up, but you've done a pretty good job at keeping your cool? I'm really good at keeping my cool about everything that's going on in my life and the shit that happens because of it on a daily basis.

Tonight, it just spilled over the top and I felt like I needed to escape out of my life for awhile. But then my realization set in, where do I escape to? The people that I used to rely on for that can't be there for me anymore, or aren't. My very best and longest friend in the entire world was really good at helping me through whatever, and I was good at helping her. It was a fairly symbiotic relationship.

Then university happened and she always needed me, which was okay, because I had someone new to rely on whenever I needed someone to be there. So I let it happen. Now I can't rely on her for that anymore. I've tried she can't really do it because she hasn't done it in so long.

Perhaps sucking it in a little more for all these years and having all my friends think I'm some type of stone lady was the wrong move. It's not that I need to rely on them either, to hold me up and get me through.

It's just that when shit like this happens, when I actually need someone because it gets to be too much, it ends up being worse because there's no one to even give me a fucking hug. And that's probably all I need.

Trapper

Since I have 3 more months left of school, and 41/2 months until I leave for my trip, I'm quite trapped here in my household.

Starting in about October, my family started to become really quite fucked up. And while we are a weird bunch, we were never really irreversibly fucked. After 4 months this has not even begun to change. With only 3 months of school left, there isn't really anywhere I can go. I need to save what money I have for my trip and to move out of my house, shortly after my trip.

I wonder if it's weird that someone has such a strong desire to distance themselves from their family. I'm sure it's not normal, but what is in my life these days? aahaaha.

I guess all I want at this point is for these next 41/2 months to go by as fast as humanly possible. If there was a button I could push to skip by them I would.

Another Face

DO-- you rock, actually.

Oh when the waters came and raised the tide
In my reflection was another face
Trying to take the place of me
And I’m standing on top of the world
And I’m trying to decide if I could survive this fall
Or is it all inside
Hiding in the spaces that ill never see

And if I told you,
That the only thing I’ll ever need is time
There’s no solution if the feelings gone
But like I told you,
You’re the only thing I know for sure

Oh when the forest grew and stole the sky
Imagination had another face,
Trying to take the place of me
And I’m standing on top of the world
And I’m trying to decide if this is what makes me strong
Facing all that’s gone inside
Hiding in the places that I’ll never be

And if I told you
That the only thing ill ever need is time
There’s no solution if the feelings gone
But like I told you,
You’re the only thing I know for sure

And if I told you
That the only thing I’ll ever need is time
There’s no solution if the feeling’s gone
But like I told you,
You’re the only thing I know for sure

uoft memes

uoft memes has gone viral across campus. Everyone is making them, and talking about them, and smiling about them. Here are a few I heavily relate to as a uoft student.

Dear Climate Change

Dear Climate Change,

While you are messing up a lot of shit elsewhere on the planet, Toronto is experiencing a lovely winter. I would like to thank you personally for being able to run outdoors well into February.

Today when I woke up, it was a comfortable 3 degrees out so I laced up my running shoes and headed outdoors, where it was in fact a beautiful "winter" day for running. While I keep bringing my running shoes to the gym at school because I fear winter will set in at any moment, I am forced to keep bringing them home because its just too nice not to run outdoors.

I will carry my running shoes everyday if I have to, to continue on with this lovely running friendly weather. In conclusion, thank you for such a mild and relatively non-existent winter.

Sincerely,

your pal the winter runner

Groundhog Day

Happy Groundhog Day. Apparently there will be 6 more weeks of winter. This(^) is Phil the groundhog. He is the one that "reveals" each year the groundhog day prognosis. Phil likely leads a life of luxury. He never has to look for his food and always has a warm place to sleep. Lucky Phil. I'll met most groundhogs wish they were him.

Groundhogs are quite funny looking. In fact I think they are so funny looking they are possibly cute. If you're in Eastern Europe right now, you're probably thinking, screw you Phil, there isn't even snow in Toronto right now. My thoughts go out to you Eastern Europe as I know how much I dislike winter and snow, and you have winter to the power of 50 right now.

Maladification

Did you know that early twenties is the most common time to develop a mental illness(other than Alzheimer's) in your life?

Now I'm sure there are a number of highly scientific reasons for this, but I think there are a good portion of social factors that may also influence this.

If you think about it, most people in their early twenties are either in school or starting out with jobs, careers, further academia, and so forth. We're not established. We don't know who we are. We're still figuring that out. So, when things go wrong, or unexpected changes happen that we're not ready for, I feel like this just adds to the vast quantities of stress already resting on our shoulders.

Many early twenties are living away from where they grew up, friends and family. Some people may still be living with their family, but no longer identify with them. When these stresses pile up and you don't have someone to lean on for support I think it could make the possibility of developing mental illness much more pronounced.

Now who knows how much truth there actually is to my haphazard armchair psychology, but I think there probably is some amount of truth to the matter. Either way, early twenties, take care of yourself and try and develop a support system, so even if you do end up with a mental illness there are at least people in your life that will come visit you in your padded room.