Biting

Hardcore teething. Why do I need to bite everything right now with the bottom left side of my mouth? I'm trying to write my paper dammit!

I wasn't prepared

No I'm not talking about the group I'm running on Friday nights. That I think went pretty well, despite having the most shy group of kids of life.

I wasn't prepared for the question you asked me today. When I signed up for volleyball I didn't even realize what you would see on the screen. But then it was there and the question popped up before I even realized what was going on. And I feel like I didn't deal with the situation well, by telling you we would talk about it another time. But I'm pretty sure you would have fallen out of your chair if I told you what the deal was.

Then you asked again and I was kind of mean when I said to drop it, but I'm not really ready to share my shit yet, if you catch-a-my drift...

Today my mac had an attack

Sooooo, awhile ago I converted to the dark side and got a macbook pro. I haven't been overly impressed with it. Now having said that, I'm sure I'll be plucked from my room in the middle of the night by apple, only to be sufficiently brainwashed into an apple fanatic. And all you techno-junkies out there are thinking what a superior system, how can she not love her mac?

The one thing I have been impressed with is the battery life. It pretty much much lasts a lifetime and an half. Anyway, I totally and completely digress. Today I was on my computer when I attempted to print, at which point my pointer turned into thinking mode (when the little pretty rainbow swirls around). Usually (if ever), when this happens its for a split second, because my mac is a particularly quick thinker. Today it wouldn't stop. And since this isn't a pc I couldn't just make it go away. So I did the only logical thing, I walked away from my computer and decided to come back later, in hopes that the problem would fix itself.

When I returned it had not. So I clicked control alt delete. Hey, it was worth a try right? So as I thought, nothing happened. Then I clicked the on switch. Then he asked me if I wanted to force quit the program and I said yes. Then he said ok, will do. But then he didn't do what he said he was going to do. So then I clickied that button again. Nothing happened. So then I did it lots of times in a row. Still nothing. So then I went and asked my sister if this ever happened to her mac, and she told me to just hold down the 'on' button. So that's what I did, and he finally turned off. When I brought him back to life, he was all ok and feeling better.

The Giraffidae family

Giraffes are the coolest ever.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giraffe

And today I think I'm allowed to write about YOU

I know that you've been rather freaked out in the past when I write about you, but I haven't since that time after Florida, and I would like to say this, but I don't know if I'm allowed to actually say it to you.

Last night you were in my dream. We were just hanging out, it was nice. Then I woke up and I had a case of the misses. Don't freak out or anything, this isn't like one of those creepy, pathetic, get a life misses things. I just felt like it would be really awesome to just hangout today and do awesome things like we used to. Its a blustery, overcast day and we could walk and talk and then make amazing food after. Thats it. Just something that I randomly woke up today and felt like doing.

I hope this doesn't freak you out or anything. It's not meant to. I just had this particularly oddly strong feeling today.

Ok well now I'm going to go and write my 8 page paper.

Friday nights at ICS

Sooo, I know I posted about this 10 million years ago, but I wanted to get involved in Youth night at ICS. I was willing to volunteer my time to revamp the girls youth program. Anyway, I worked there during the March break and they quite enjoyed my presence on staff. They enjoyed it so much in fact, they offered me a paid position at youth night!

Now the program that I'm in charge of is not the girls one I was originally interested in, but rather a leadership development workshop. Basically I design a curriculum for teen leadership and work through it. RESPONSIBILITY!

I feel like I have just been handed the world, I have the ability to (hopefully) try and affect change with youth. I'm scared though because ICS thinks so highly of me right now. They for some reason have got it into their heads that I am this amazing and qualified person for this. I'm scared that they are going to realize sooner rather than later that I'm not all that great and not really that qualified to be the amazing person they think I am.

oh well, I suppose for now I can just do my best and hope the don't come to their senses.

Smile...

...ok there it is, and it won't go away. When I'm around you I pretty much always have a case of the smiles. When we talk, when I think about you, I get one of those stupid irreversible smiles. I feel like an idiot. But this also means that I can have feelings that are good about other people, because for a long time I didn't think that was possible anymore.

But here's the thing, I'm digging myself a grave here because this thing can only end badly for me, given the circumstances of the situation.

But you're so awesome and fun and cool and tolerant of my weird quirks. In fact, you tell me that you like them. And that feels good and reassuring.

I need to get a fucking grip. I can't feel this way about someone, especially a you someone. This is a bad scene. I need to clear this goddamn smile off my face. But I can't. What have you done to me?

Hope

For a long time I have struggled with the meaning of hope. What does it mean to be hopeful? Does it mean you have lost all faith in something, and all you have left is to hope? Is it something that can only happen when life is out of your control?

Why is the term used when people are dying and can't be cured? Or used as a last resort? Upon consulting the dictionary definition of hope, I am still equally confused. Hope can be used as a noun, adjective, and verb.

When I try and think about how I myself would use the word hope in a sentence, the only one I can think of is: "I hope so." When I want something to happen that I know can't I use the word wish. When I wish something, I know that it won't happen because well, it's a wish. I wonder if you could hope a wish will come true? Probably.

Hope to me I think ultimately means (unless you are using in the context of the 'wish' scenario), that you aren't engaging to make the change so you end up hoping about it. Ie, you're writing a paper that you HOPE to get an A on. No, if you do the work (all things being equal), you will get the grade you deserve. No hope necessary. Once the paper is said and done and handed back and you don't get that A, you are now in wishing territory again. "I wish I would have worked harder." "I wish the TA wasn't such a hard marker." etccc. The paper is done, so now the only thing you can do is wish, not hope that next time you'll do better. If you work harder next time, you probably will do better, no hoping necessary.


I feel like I've rambled on for quite sometime about this, and I'm still not sure how I feel about the concept of hope and how it fits into our lives.

RED

Of course I'm writing today because I have to begin and finish a paper in the next 6 hours. I would also like to be able to go out tonight as its st patty's day. Besides you're not under pressure without a little procrastination first anyway.



You know, I did come here with a load, and it really does feel so much lighter since I met you.

Nice people everywhere.

Authentic Harry Potter glasses.

I hope the city doesn't go on strike...again.

I don't really feel like trying on my school work anymore.

TRIP TRIP TRIP.

You have very boingy hair.

This one time, I read this book.

triple D.

Ice cream is yum, especially from BR.

The Dodge GC is my bitch this summer.

I had a huge wipe out on the ice yesterday. My butt and hands are still quite sore.

Henrietta is a wonderful little giraffe.

Sporting Life 10k.

It's a good thing I grew some balls for that situation.

I'm pretty excited to not see my family for 2.5 months. I'm probably the worst person in the world for saying that, but I think its okay to think that when were quite fucked up.

Cliques are scary. Especially when you're an outsider.

How can anybody deny you?

The first time that I felt connected to anything.

Sometimes I loose most of my faith in humans. Often we suck.

Right now at least, I think my faith in us is coming back a little. People can be nice.

Children are assholes. I also think they're getting a lot more rude.

Rose sauce with tortaleens.

Green tufts are protruding through the ground. I'm quite excited.

So many piano kids at camp.

Water is quite delicious.

Senior Adventure Camp

Since it's March break this week, I am working at ICS as a camp leader. I have the unfortunate task of the 10-12 year olds. I have never had so much trouble with a group of children in my life. I have also never been so close to loosing my voice from yelling.

Monday and Tuesday weren't too terrible. They were bad, but not so bad I wanted to lop all of their heads off (only most of them). Then on Wednesday the shit hit the fan. We were on a scavenger hunt and they were behaving so poorly I flipped the fuck out. I have never lost it so hardcore on a group of kids. I pretty much ripped them a new one, and until lunch they were pretty well behaved. Then after lunch they went back to normal.

Today was trip day. Normally I enjoy trip day because it's relaxing, the kids have fun, and you don't have to program. I was not looking forward to today with this group as we went to an amusement park. That is (and was) a bad scene with a misbehaved group. Obviously one of my kids puked on a ride. Tomorrow it's over. And I'm really starting to think that I'm getting too old for this. But the money is quick and easy, so I suppose I can put up with it every now and again for the cash. But fuck, come on, if I had a leader as cool as me (sorry for tooting my own horn but I have years of programming experience so I can put together a good time), I would show some goddamn respect.

I also feel bad complaining. The staff at this center are unreal and they really take care of you. Unlike other facilities I've worked at, they actually buy you supplies and check up on you to make sure your day (and you) are doing alright. I had the pleasure of working with some friends and meeting some other new great people. So not all bad, just a crappy group of kids.

Every passing hour

I live inside this paper house
and need a match to take me higher.

oh right

ouch.

I want to go to there

I want to touch your face. I feel like it would be really softy and smooth. It looks really softy and smooth. I also want to give you a hug. I think you would be a good hug candidate. But, I'm pretty busy and don't really have time for that right now, so I guess the softy face and hug will have to wait.

and birthdays come but once a year

You know what I probably like most about Birthdays? They really help you figure out who your real friends are. In the day and age of facebook, nobody has to remember anybody's birthday anymore. All you have to do is look it up on their silly profile and you're off the hook. That's probably why I don't keep that information on facebook, and unfortunately my friends are forced to remember what day my birthday falls on, just like in the olden days.

Now since I expect this of my friends, I have committed to memory all of the people's birthdays who are most important to me in my life, aka my friends and family.

This week was my birthday and I received no surprises when it came time for me to receive calls and good tidings. In fact I have the greatest friends ever. Tomorrow they are taking me up to Waterloo so we can all be together and celebrate my getting old there. Aren't they the greatest? I am very thankful for my friends.

What I am not surprised about or really thankful for is my longest friend. I say longest friend because she hardly qualifies as my best friend anymore, especially over the past couple years. Whatever. Anyway, she was away during reading week, and was on a lengthy flight on my birthday. Which is totally a-ok. However, when she had ample amounts of sleep and was feeling chipper enough, a call would have been nice. Now I happen to know she's not busy, as she had ample amounts of time to post a ton of stuff to her blog.

This is not an isolated incident. She has forgotten before, about ten years ago. I forgave her, and she certainly made up for it. The thing is, I don't really care that much about it this time around. I'm tired of being kind and caring, and compassionate, and rememberful. Whatevs.

ok, if you say so

I'm so fucking tired of this. and by this, I mean life. Everyday I feel even more like I'm on the verge of a complete and total mental breakdown. That can't be healthy. But the amazing thing is that lately I don't even care. I'm also hoping that this trip will be really amazing, so I can hopefully start caring about well...anything.