MIA

I've been MIA... I'm quite sick.... I'll be back later when I'm not so sick.

Question #2

At the most I’m a glare,
I’m the hopeless son who’s hardly there.
I’m the open sign that’s always busted.
I’m the friend you need, but can’t be trusted.

HOW DO YOU EXPRESS FEELINGS THAT YOU'RE AFRAID OF?

No but actually, how do you? Right now I am currently struggling with this. Its not easy to say out loud things that you feel at the best of times, so when you're scared shitless of them, what do you do?

Lets back up a second and have me grow a pair and let you in on the feeling that I'm currently avoiding: LOVE. Yes the big 4 letter, charged L-word. It was recently dropped upon me, and it took all my control to not sprint as fast as I could in the other direction, because who wants to deal with that, right?

But the problem is not that I'm not feeling those feelings too, but rather if I say them out loud to the person that should hear them, I've now opened myself up to be bashed around and if chosen to be have them used against me. Last time I felt those feelings and shared them, there was some major backfiring-- and it took a long time to get through it, so I'm not about to put myself in that situation again... kind of like a fool me once type of situation...

And I am terrified beyond reason that I'm having these thoughts and feelings, because already without telling the person I can, I am vulnerable, even if its only in my head. But maybe the fact that its already in your head, makes you just as vulnerable.

Perhaps simply because something happened to you before, doesn't mean that it has to happen again, and you just have to believe and take a chance on the feelings going on. And if the other person has already expressed the feelings maybe that's enough to mitigate those fears.

Expression of feeling only comes when one is ready I think, so since I seem to be afraid of them like none other, I suppose it means I'm not ready. This question was very poorly answered. I will get better.... or ya'll can give it a stab.

And its not often that I get this way

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air.

Why is this something I have to hide from those that are supposed to care about me most?

Because they're not there by choice. They're there because of nature.

Your friends are there because they want to be. And they'll support you through the difference.

You often worry me. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with you... but if things keep going the way they are I'll be ready to drop the L-bomb right back on you, soon.

We have very different lives.

Peeking Pete.

Sometimes I feel like just laying there.

I stand at the sink. The water flows over my hands. Its warm, and it feels nice. I close my eyes. I am so sick. You come up behind me and rub my back. It feels good to be taken care of.

I close my eyes now. I can hear the click and clack of the keyboard as I type. The house is quiet.

The walls are white. Too white. It's starting to become depressing.

I know I can count on you.

100km/hr winds.

Bumblebees everywhere, right before fall.

Wined and dined like never before.

And I'm not sure what 'that' is.

You've got the love I need to see me through.

BUSY BEE

I thought I was busy before. I was foolishly kidding myself. I did not even know what busy was.

3 small little tiny words that send many running for the hills. I need to pull myself together so I don't go heading for the hills, and can hopefully say them too with time.

I never waste words with feelings times.

Florence

Yes this song is here for a purpose. You're the purpose that its here. Be glad. I'm glad.

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an almighty sound

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That throws me to the ground
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an almighty sound

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

I ran to a tower where the church bells chime
I hoped that they would clear my mind
They left a ringing in my ears
But that drum's still beating loud and clear

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

I run to the river and dive straight in
I pray that the water will drown out the din
But as the water fills my mouth
It couldn't wash the echoes out
But as the water fills my mouth
It couldn't wash the echoes out

I swallow the sound and it swallows me whole
Till there's nothing left inside my soul
As empty as that beating drum
But the sound has just begun

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an almighty sound

There's a drumming noise inside my head
That starts when you're around
I swear that you could hear it
It makes such an all mighty sound

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

Louder than sirens
Louder than bells
Sweeter than heaven
And hotter than hell

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boo2Zm69fhY

Enjoy Drumming Song.

You Always Leave Enough Batter to Lick the Bowl

It has been a good, albeit busy week.

CS-ers coming and going.

Invading my room. Cock-blocking.

Maybe a little break of them is in order, so I can go ahead and have my personal life for awhile.

I do really love showing people my beautiful city.

A city within a park.

Thursday nights are going to be killer.

Gossip and arts all around. That's what it'll be.

C and L would be so cayute togeths. I'm going to tell her that next week. I think she already likes him anyway.

Why are people such pretentious assholes sometimes?

Why are parents such assholes most of the time?

Okay, I get it. Until I talk to you about shit, I'm getting nothing out of you. Fair isn't always equal.

Why, what a lovely gourd basket you have! Oh thanks, I made it myself...nbd... Lets take a pic with it. We'll present the gourds.

MAN, good times so far in the kitchen!

Question #1

What is a common misconception that people have about you?

I think that this question is a really important one to answer, and answer truthfully for that matter. And while people often hold many misconceptions about people, there are deeply rooted misconceptions that tend to follow us around wherever we go. If you were to look at me as person, a common misconception could be that I'm a 'blonde'. Just by looking at me (without me even opening my mouth), people will form ideas about who I am and the type of person I am going to be once I do speak.

But I digress. I am carefully inching my way away from the question that I have posed. Probably because I don't want to answer it. But I think that's the point of the exercise, is it not? To face questions that you don't want to answer or think about so you become a stronger person?

I think the most common misconception about me (by people who actually know me), is that I am very happy-go-lucky. I have found in the past, if you act happy, it's easier to actually be happy, but it doesn't always mean you feel that way. I am not one, nor have I ever been one to open up about emotions; other than the obvious few that are very easy to convey, such as happiness, anger, confusion, and frustration. That being said, playing 'happy' I always find the easiest. I have been told I have a great smile, and I use that to my advantage, when advantageous. Very, VERY few people can see through my exterior emotion and assume that all is well.

This is okay for me, because as I said I don't open up. I feel though as I get older, and develop different relationships, and stronger ties with my friends, it becomes harder. It becomes harder sometimes to pretend that all is well in the proverbial 'paradise.' The need to unload sometimes becomes really strong, but because of this misconception that exists (or in my case, I have been assisting in existing), it's impossible to deviate. I say this because now that this idea exists about you, you have to be that much braver and stronger to divulge.

Where do you start? Do you start with your most trusted of friends, or do you lay low and stick to someone who doesn't know you as well or feel like your heart-to-heart is coming out of left field? Maybe it's okay to let the misconception go on existing... Maybe that's the point of misconceptions. You don't have to face them if you don't want to, right? Or should we try to face them because they are often reinforcing stereotypes and hindering our relationships?

I'm not sure... Perhaps you have the answers. I am more than intrigued to hear what other people think... Aaand what are some misconceptions that people have about you? Maybe here is the place to talk them through...

Newness Again

After a little bit of thought I have decided to shuffle around my blog a little bit. Since I want to be more reflective and honest about my thoughts (not out loud of course), I think I'm going to take the opportunity to do it here, where nobody I know can find me. So, I will be posting a bunch of questions and over the course of my posts answering them one by one.

I will still be sure to include a pic along with every post and still occasionally post a slew of randomness like I tend to do. So I don't go too over the deep end, I'll begin by sticking to the same old, same old.

Should be packing right now. I'm moving tomorrow and am nowhere near done what I should be. But breaks are good.

I miss those ballin days. I think if I can man up I might do something about it.

My brows need some lovin.

You get home on Sunday!! I'm unreasonably excited, even though you were off on an amazing trip!!

I had to give my pylon a traveling bath. So he's all ready for his new home.

Salamander.

Maychance I should bring my robe along.

Thangk you... never thought to spell it that way, perhaps it makes sense.

A place of mind.

Its odd by reading what someone has written how well you can know them... or find out that you don't know them at all.

Power return.

So many requests, so little space.

I do like my own space once in awhile.

So I can't help everyone.

In summary,

My General Feeling Towards E-readers...

I also have an organized rant I need to go on.... I will when I get a free moment.

Skool

KC

Sooooo, guilty pleasure= Kelly Clarkson. I know, so shameful. But it's always been that way, and always will be that way. I was really feeling this one blasted this summer. No judgements. Everyone has a guilty pleasure.

Stronger:

You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want
You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on over you
You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You try to break me But you see...
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'about me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning In the end...
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEZDP_NVklc

Maybe a Little too Quickly for my Likings

And within the span of about a second I became a minority.

How does worrying affect our psyche?

Don't wear makeup...I hope you still feel beautiful.

Marrying Matt Damon and//or Tina Fey would be awesome. Also Will Smith. Oh and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I also wouldn't say no to Chris Pine. Probably George Clooney, if he were younger.

Nutcase brands.

To emphasize a point: above all!

Sinking. Can't swim. How far am I in?

Harry Potter plays the xylophone.

You're cool. I'm weird and nerdy.

Just saw that note again!!

Friday, what what.

Not so sure about this sitch.

Bears eat beets. So do humans. They are delicious.

Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.

I'm BAAAAAAAACK

So that title defs sounds a little creepy, but whatever. I'm happy...really happy. Which is really good.

This all sounds really obvious and self-explanatory, but it's not. That's certainly something I have learned over the past year and summer. Being really happy doesn't always coincide with the really good.

That makes no sense. But that's okay right now.

Life is a Highway

Yeah, go time. Soooo, I won't be posting really this summer, if at all.

Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore

We won't hesitate
Break down the garden gate
There's not much time left, today

Life is a highway - I want to ride it all night long
If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long
Through all the cities and all these towns
It's in my blood and it's all around
I loved you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hills
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The Khyber pass to Vancouver's lights
Knock me down - I'm back up again
You're in my blood - I'm not a lonely man

There's no load I can't hold
Roads are rough - this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

Life is a highway - I want to ride it all night long
If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long...

There was a distance between you and I
A misunderstanding once, but now we look it in the eye

There ain't load I can't hold
Roads are rough - this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

Life is a highway - I want to ride it all night long
If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3sMjm9Eloo

We'll Both Forget the Breeze

Almost all ready.

Super excited.

Really tired.

Didn't sleep and had to get to the hospital really early.

Really tired.

I did a lot of writing last night. I just typed and typed. I guess I got some good stuff, but sleep would also be nice.

D's awesome. What a great crp. Most bosses aren't that helpful and accommodating.

Leaving you behind was supposed to be really easy. Its not.

Whatevs, I'll deal.

The cake was not a lie. It was delicious, but last time it was better.

Too bad the only reason I went to my graduation was to go out to dinner, but we didn't even do that because of the famjam sitch.

Okay, say goodnight and go.

That feeling when you open your eyes and they're there. It sets it rises. I set, and I rise. It should be easier. But it never is. It's not worth it if it isn't complicated. I need the complication. The complication makes it real. That lets you feel, once in awhile.

I drop my cup. The water spills everywhere. Sometimes those things can feel like the end of the world. Don't cry over spilled milk. It helps make the other stuff seem real. It sets and rises, again.

You get a call. More people are sick. You open your eyes, and you're there. Smile, it's okay to do that today, even though it sucks. You get in the car. The journey is too familiar. The hospital has the same smell. The setting and rising is still going on. With or without you.

Am I crazy? I can't sleep, exhaustion hits. The awakeness persists. My head is full. It can't stop thinking. There's nothing else left to do but rise. You share the love, with those that you love, but not with the people everyone thinks you should. Let go, let it wash over you.

It sets. You're still awake. This time by choice. Surrounded by the friends that you love, and there are still apprehensions. I turn to my left, you're there beside me. You touch my hair and move your hand down my back. It feels like that's where it should be, which makes it more complicated.

It sets. We set. Side by side. So when it rises you're still there.

The White Body

Apologies. I actually wrote this a few days ago, then saved it because I got distracted. Now its here.



Today I am going to talk about a very touchy subject: race. I'm not quite sure how to go about this in a diplomatic way, as there are going to be problems from anyone's perspective. My perspective as a white female may or may not have an impact on my thoughts and ideas... I'm not sure.

I take issue with the fact that the white body is not racialized. Not because I feel like we are getting the short end of the stick or anything, but because why are all the other races defined as different? Aren't we all different from one another? White seems to be the standard by which all races are compared and thus becomes "race-less."

I wonder if there is a power shift and a country that does not have a white population gains power, white people will become racialized. I also wonder if since I am living in a country with a predominantly white population, we believe white to seem unracialized. Maybe looking at it from the perspective of India for example, white is racialized.

I realize I'm about to sound really stupid here: but it would be really awesome if nobody even cared about race. I know, I'm being really obvious here. But I was completely unaware of 'race' until I was taught in school how we are all 'different'. If I wasn't taught this I wonder what conclusions I would have come to on my own about race?

I suppose ultimately what I get confused about is the constant need to classify and point out the differences between one another. Because of the ways in which we all function within our various social orders the ways in which we view our own race, and other races is challenging to say the least. So, to end I still don't understand why my white body isn't 'racialized.'

You dropped the "B"-bomb on me today. I'm still recovering.

The Whole Enchillada

Being Outdoors

Playing Sports

Having thoughtful and intelligent conversation

...I think this might be too much to ask, as I have yet to meet 'the person' with all of these abilities.


There have been better weeks.

Way too many extraa classes that I didn't have the chance to take.

2 more days of work.

Kaths bday this week. Pretty stoked, she usually has a pretty rockin partay.

Fuckin LA-- you smite me down at every chance you get!

What am I doing here? I have so much shit to do today...peace out.

I don't normally like little "uplifting" reminders//quotes like this, but it happened to catch my eye. Enjoy the day everyone.

Mixed Salad Greens

Gonesies.

Stickers all over the place.

Last night in my dream I totally got with Chris Pine. He's supes sexy. Unfortunately in my dream his hardware was less than admirable.

TRIPITY TRIP TRIP!!!

I wish I had the balls that I used to have, to say what I am thinking to you, and people in general. The process of getting that skill back is a long one... I wish I had it now.

Car lessons are not that bad.

Maybe on my trip I'll find a lovely person that I can marry, or live with for awhile (or however long) so I can get dual citizenship. Dual citizenship would be a nice perk.

LOTR is taking for fricken ever to read. But its pretty epic.

My hair is long as fuck these days.

Mass chomper 5 million.

Don't tell me not to fall in love on my road trip, and then just leave it at that. Why would you even say that? That's not fair, not fair at all. It's unreasonably confusing.

Woof Woof Woof.

Fringe Trim.

A basketball with mickey mouse ears? C'est what now?

I have such lovely friends!

Defs have to get ready for work, k fineeee I'll procrastinate a little longer.

I bought "Bossypants" for 25-cents. Pretty good deal if I may say so myself.

I wish we were better friends these days. But were both really busy. Maybe one day you could be like my "big brother" or something... That's really lame. nvm.

No food in my house.

SNAX.

1

So many people say the Beatles are the fathers of classic rock. And I agree. You'd have to be really uninformed to not be able to acknowledge that they really changed the way a lot of bands produced music. They were the first ones that stepped up and took those risks that other bands had not yet. I'm also quite convinced that anyone could find at least one song by the Beatles that they would be able to relate to their life. Now I'm not Beatles obsessed like some people can get, but they do have some catchy and thoughtful tunes. If I were to lay on the table my top 3 songs (in no particular order):

-Yesterday
-Eleanor Rigby
-I feel fine

So here's a sampling of the latter.

Baby's good to me you know,
She's happy as can be you know,
She said so
I'm in love with her and I feel fine
Baby says she's mine you know,
She tells me all the time you know,
She said so
I'm in love with her and I feel fine
I'm so glad that she's my little girl
She's so glad, she's telling all the world
That her baby buys her things you know.
He buys her diamond rings you know,
She said so
She's in love with me and I feel fine, MMM
Baby says she's mine you know,
She tells me all the time you know,
She said so
I'm in love with her and I feel fine
I'm so glad that she's my little girl
She's so glad, she's telling all the world
That her baby buys her things you know.
He buys her diamond rings you know,
She said so
She's in love with me and I feel fine
She's in love with me and I feel fine, MMM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlpMs_R3P6U

They look so little and young and early sixties. haha.

8 days a week

What the fuck? bad scene. as usual. im so good at bad scenes.

so good it hurts.

lets see now, first it was the wine head.

that wasn't my fault.

But it was a lovely evening last night. What a perfect time for a winic.

But then there were some other festivities. Oh dear.

Then there was some amazing times adventuring.

Some of my best life chats happened in first year with a friend of mine from my program. We lost touch. She's doing her masters now apparently. Good for her.

We're really different you and I. Maybe too different. But were not that different. We're also really alike. Maybe too alike.

I am defs going back to that place sometime soon to write. It was unreasonably inspiring. And I think it still would be with a clear and sober mind.

fuck, im doing it again. I probs wouldn't be doing it again if I had gotten more than 4 hours of sleep last night. And for the past 3 nights before that...

Then there was tension. I shut it down. It needed to be shut down, otherwise it would have turned into that time before when the next day we were both like...uhh what?

Rain, go away. Gawd.

Eleanor Rigby.

"I feel like we haven't been totally honest with each other." Your words not mine babe.l

Cold Places are wicked interesting

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antarctica

Ontario Health Insurance Plan

aka OHIP. In the past year I have had the pleasure and enjoyment (not) of having to heavily use ohip. For the most part I have had relatively positive experiences. The doctors I have encountered have allowed me to be an agent of my own body, as long as it has been safe to do so, and they were sensitive to my needs as a person who has strong opinions and critiques of the medical system in Ontario.

This has not been the case with allergy specialists. About a year ago I was referred to an allergy specialist. I waited months for an appointment with them only to be cancelled on the day before. After that, I gave up on finding an allergy specialist, until I encountered a doctor who was able to provide me with an appointment within a timely fashion.

I thought that since I have an appointment with an allergist I should probably go. So I went, and it was not a very good experience. I arrived at the office was weighed in and then sat on a bench and told I was going to be given an allergy test on one arm for foods, and on the other for environment. During this time I was trying to explain to the woman why I was here in the first place, but she wasn't really listening. I told her that I knew that I was allergic to most of the environmental things she was going to test me for, and that the foods she would be testing me for I was not allergic to.

She replied saying that they have to do this test anyway. Then she asked me if I had taken an allergy pill that day. Yes I had, because when I called before my appointment wondering if there was anything I needed to bring//keep in mind they said just bring myself. Then she hands me a form with a bunch of info on it telling me I needed to sign it before we did the test. I read it, VERY carefully and asked her a number of questions, she was clearly annoyed. Why should she be? She knows little to nothing about my medical history, nothing about my body, and had given me no information whatsoever.

Eventually, after all that I allowed her to do the allergy test, which yielded the results I told her it would before she even began the test. The she arrives into the room with more needles saying some parts of the test were inconclusive and they need to preform this extraa step. So, naturally I wanted to know why, and what exactly the purpose of the test was. She was unclear, and so I didn't want her to do the test on me. She calls the allergist in (apparently she was just some kind of nurse) and he explains to me why this extraa part of the test is necessary.

Fine, I let them do it. After that I had a session with the allergist and he asks me ten million questions about my health. Then he tells me about 5 million drugs. Then I tell him why I'm here (as in the section where he went all 3rd-degree on me, he failed to ask my why I was there toady). I told him with my environmental allergies I would like to deal with them as NATURALLY as possible. Apparently nasal spray is natural? No, its totally not. Then we talked about eggplant and he basically told me he doesn't know anything specific about anything in general with regard to my (possible) eggplant allergy.

Then I asked if I could eat eggplant and he said well maybe, its up to you. You could come back for a 3 hour test to see if your allergic but the severe reaction could have been to anything// any combination of things. Sweet. After some more brief chatting I was pretty much on my way, no more wiser than I was when I arrived, but feeling like I had been not treated like an agent of my own body during this entire endeavour.

Now, OHIP is really great and covers a lot of shit, and over the past year I'm pretty glad that it exists, but it doesn't cover epipens or allergy medication. I was hoping after this visit to the allergist that I would be able to ditch my epipen, but he was able to tell me diddly-squat. Now I guess I need to conduct my own eggplant study at home. The thing is if it turns out I am allergic to eggplant I still need the epipen, and if I'm not allergic to eggplant I need the epipen (because I still have no idea what I'm allergic to). At least in the latter situation I'd be able to eat eggplant...

Samdi Nuit

lundi
mardi
mercredi
jeudi
vendredi
samdi
dimanche

les jours de semaine.

Il fait mauvais, dans mon tete.

Je n'aime pas, mais j'aime toi le plus. Je suis en difficulte.

Tu ne comprend pas. Je ne comprend pas.

Mon verifier pour le CS, arrive dans le post hier.

Je suis le plus de confuse. Je n'ai pas etre si confuse dans ma vie entier.

Il est unfortunatlement, mais je suis triste, au jour d'hui.

Ebario

The zipper was way more fun on google. Synthesizer= lamesauce.

the fluffiest of hairs.

Prettttty excited for a little clarefare-7west actiononae tomorrow. Better get ready to get my martini on, and my wallet on. But I guess we don't go there often to have uncharacteristically strong (yet somehow delectable) martinis at exorbitantly high prices.

Frozen yogurt is the most delect thing of life.

Not sure if you're pfpic worthy, yet...

Imagine if my family was normal?

Imagine if I had time to myself?

Picked up a really good fashion show piece today. That is something I do miss. Having fashion show. It was fun.

Listen. You say really great things. Listen.

My fire passes over the ocean.

You were in my dream last night.

I had a lot of dreams last night.

LOTRLOTRLOTR!!!

Just let it be.

Naturally.

MAY24

For those of you that don't live in Canada, here we have a holiday weekend in May called Victoria day. Pretty much it's a three day weekend that people party and set off fire works, preferably out of the city.

This year I had the lucky and amazing privilege to head out of the city with some pretty amazing people to a friends farm. I know this sounds weird, a farm. But it was unreal. This guys family owns a farm house about an hour from a city, on the escarpment. AKA, beautiful places to hike and cave//rock climb, copious areas to engage in debaucherous activities and have an all around good time.

My family wasn't really too interested in listening to me yammer on about my adventure, so I guess I'll just go on about it here and attempt to go over the weekend, since I have yet to do a recap myself. If you're not in the mood to be bored and listen to a random go on about their weekend, now is your chance to bail, aka spoiler alert: this shit could get boring.

I originally only planned on staying up for one night, buuuuuut then when I got in it was totally awesome, and was convinced to stay the extraa night. Also it was totally a weekend of perfect weather. When I pulled up it was about 25-degrees and sunny with a light breeze-- weather that continued for the remainder of my stay. A-maze. After that point it was the beginning of the end.

The weekend began with a relaxing beer in the shade, a little frizz-bee followed by a little football, followed by some more beers, followed by some kush, followed by a nature walk, followed by more beers, followed by dinner, followed by more beers, kush and walking. At this point it was only about 9pm and I was totaled beyond reason. So the only logical explanation would be to kill a few jagerbombs and beers. I had never partied with these people before and let me tell you, they brought hardcore to a new level. I didn't think I was going to make it, but somehow I did. I can't really recount much after those jagers, but I'm sure the times were good. I do recall getting into a fair bit of trouble around 4am when there was a giggle festival in the basement followed by Hayds mother flipping a shiiiit at us, and telling us to pull it together. Somehow I made it through the night without a vom and then woke up without a hangover...whhhat?

Day 2. I was planning on leaving. I'm so silly. Apparently I wasn't going anywhere, my car keys were confiscated anyway by a pair of highly persuasive red heads. I was easily convinced to stay another day, and was totally glad I did. We did some really amazing hiking and climbed down into some really legit caves, which I am totally going back to,to explore more. We did some intense free-face rock climbing and a ton of hiking. Since I have never had them, I never really realized how great it is to have really athletic people in your life who are willing to take risks like that and challenge their bodies in that way. I've usually been alone on that front, but not this weekend. Anyway, I digress.

After we got back it was time for some beers and a much deserved lunch followed by some volleyball, followed by a combination of kush, beers, catch, chance, walks, and playing with the dog until dinner. After dinner the shit hit the fan. We turned it up to 11 for the fireworks and bonfire. After the fireworks it was pretty much a blurr as well. I do recall all the gals going to bed at some point, at which point I collapsed into a heap on the floor and passed out, without (once again to my surprise) riding the vomit comet.

Monday, time to cleanup and head home. Exhaustion was overwhelming and I had to get my head in the game for the drive home, which obviously I did as I am here writing this. In conclusion I rank the weekend an 11 out of 10. It was a rockin good time with amazing people.

No big deal or Anything, but it's the largest event of its kind in North America

Oh, whatchu up to? Yeh know not much just being a volunper.

Sweet schnugs.

Today for the first time (without cringing) I used the expression "haters gonna hate" and kind of actually enjoyed it. I might take it for a trial run in my vocab.

Last vball sesh= shit. Why did everyone have to show up? It's so much better when only the good people come. Obviously.

Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

Booked gown+tix, nbd.

Really diggin my new ride. It pretty much drives like a dream.

Also really diggin you.

I don't actually really like the word "diggin."

Hug it. out. bitch.

Just dragged myself in after spending the whole day outdoors. What a wonderful life, to have the opportunity to spend the whole day outside in beautiful weather. Defs going back out there after dinnskies.

Pretttty stoked for this weekend. Awww yeah, long weekend, up north-fest.

Just playing the upside down air piano, ok fiiine, lets throw in a little air sax too.

I did adult things today. I don't usually do adult things like responsibility.

There is a obnoxiously pink piece of paper sitting on my desk. Normally this would make me happy. Today it makes me REALLY happy because the paper contains a note from you. How lovely.

Visa bill= far more than expected. Why is the dentist so damn expensive?

Almost 1/2 of the way through the LOTR trilogy. When I finish all the books and movies I think I may do a review here, similar to the HP scene (but not totally like it because LOTR is far more pompous and less make-funable).

Let it ride

Just feelin a lil bit of nostalgia for my childhood, when classic rock was the only type of music I knew existed...

Good Bye, Hard Life
Don't Cry Would you let it ride?
Good Bye, Hard Life
Don't Cry Would you let it ride?

You can't see the mornin', but I can see the light
Ride ride ride let it ride
While you've been out runnin' I've been waitin' half the night
Ride ride ride let it ride

And would you cry if I told you that I lied and would you say goodbye Or
would you let it ride? And would you cry if I told you that I lied and
would you say goodbye Or would you let it ride?

Babe my life is not complete I never see you smile
Ride ride ride let it ride
Baby you want the forgivin' kind and that's just not my style
Ride ride ride let it ride

And would you cry if I told you that I lied and would you say goodbye Or
would you let it ride? And would you cry if I told you that I lied and
would you say goodbye Or would you let it ride?

I've been doin' things worthwhile, you've been bookin' time
Ride ride ride let it ride

And would you cry if I told you that I lied and would you say goodbye Or
would you let it ride? And would you cry if I told you that I lied and
would you say goodbye Or would you let it ride?

Would you let it ride (x4)
Ride ride ride let it ride (x5)
Would you let it ride? (x4)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j83xviHVmGg

Body Building

I've been meaning to go on this rant for awhile. I'm not sure of how many of you are familiar with competitions in which people build up their muscles to become hyper defined and then stand on a stage to be judge to see if they are the most fit. I did not know an overly large amount about these competitions until a few years ago when a friend from high school competed in one. Having spoke to her about this afterwards she was extremely broken up. As an intelligent, athletic, good looking individual I was very surprised that she had entered this competition in the first place.

She described the entire account as terrible and degrading and was unsure as to why she had ever entered into it in the first place. Her boyfriend begged her to stop because it was unhealthy, but apparently once you're in it, its very hard to drop out. Whatever, that was years ago, and since then I haven't really thought much about them.

Recently, a family friend began the same trek that my friend had to become the ultimate female rock. I don't by any means want to discredit the amount of work and effort that goes into getting into in shape and becoming extremely muscular, because it takes huge effort and time. However, what I do take issue with is the way in which this is displayed afterwards.

The women are put into bikinis that might as well be strings. They are given a fake tan, covered in makeup, have their hair done long and styled, slicked in oil, and then paraded around on stage in high heels only then to be judged against one another before a panel of male judges.

I don't understand how any self-respecting woman, or any woman for that matter would feel liberated (I suppose I'm assuming here that women want to achieve some form of gender equity some time), engaging in an event like this. Personally I find this type of event to be far more offensive than hardcore pornography.

I also feel like maybe I have not expressed very well the extent to which this entire process was for me to watch a family friend engage in. I always considered this woman to be fairly level-headed, but also hardcore. People would constantly tell her that she was an inspiration, and that they were so proud of her, and that she was so amazing for doing this. I really didn't understand this. What she did was not inspiring to me. It was offensive. Use your strength and conditioning to really show people what you're made of, rather than leaving it up to a panel of judges who will regulate what you eat for weeks before the competition.

I would be so inspired if our family friend used her amazingly great fitness levels to enter into an ironman competition, or run a marathon, or summit a gianorm mountain. What she did does not impress me at all, but I guess that's just like my opinion man.

I'm in trouble. That should not have happened.

Smileage

CLASS training: 1, Me: 0

Don't chicken out on hugs anymore, it's lame.

Totes going to get myself some smileage this week.

58:18. New pb, nbd.

Miss Mara= best race kits eva!

Stop saying you're going to miss me while I'm away, or there will end up being a bad scene.

You know I have no idea what the staff is going on about when they bad talk my superior. Personally I think she's amazing. But then again I've never had the reason for a run-in with her.

Successfully made 12 cards for my trip.

So more like the ford sedan is my bitch this summer.

Rockin it in tutone.

K fine we'll have another night like last weeks...

I didn't want to kill my kids today.

Also one of my work friends has the most fiery red hair of life. I really enjoy it.

Defs over meat.

8320.

I can't sleep

This is harder than I thought it would be.

Some things just can't be easy I've found.

I can't sleep, but I'm feeling that tired feeling that I don't like again.

I hoped that the other tired feeling was gone, at least for a longish time.

I just ran 10k earlier I should be very tired.

But I'm just not tired.

The thoughts are swirling.

They are doing a lot of confusing swirlies.

I thought life was supposed to get easier once school was over?

But the thoughts seem to be swirling a lot more now that school is done.

Perhaps because I have a bit more time.

But here's the thing, I don't really have a whole lot of time on my hands.

So why are these thoughts so swirly?

The location is unknown for my thoughts.

They'll have to keep swirling until they straighten themselves out.

Game Face

Gotta get my game face on for today at 6:30. It's go time bitches!!!

BAKD 430

There is this car in my neighbourhood with the license plate: BAKD 430. Yes, I know I wondered the same thing, would they issue the license plate BAKD 420?? My guess is absolutely not. Obviously this one was completely by chance because the house and car is owned by this little old lady who is kind of mean.

Knocked 5/6 mins off my run time today, cheyeahhh!

How are you NOT sick of me? We have seen each other everyday of the week so far...

LOTR is actually AMAZING. Tolkien was a seriously gifted individual. His prose are so carefully crafted. His descriptions are so intricately laid out. In conclusion, the writing is not only interesting but also beautiful.

So many allergies floating around everywhere.

Totally brought nuts with me to work yesterday and didn't even realize until after I had finished eating. Oops.

Millions of leftover stickers, nothing to do with them.

Of course Intro to Korean would be during a time I already have a shift.

Too late on the other side.

Numi organic tea.

Yesterday I read the front section of the paper, I can't remember the last time I physically touched my news source.

How can you read all HP books EXCEPT for the 7th one? It's kinda weird, you'd made it that far...

On the HP note, if you've never read them, do it. Seriously. Do it.

"That, is Northern lights cannabis indica." "Wrong! It's marijuana."

Try it with an orange.

Oh bumblebees. You're just so cute and furry.

SL10K

City of Toronto you're so helpful, NAT!!!

What a beaut.

Good thing I didn't post last night like I was going to...

Good thing I never get hungover because if I did, I feel like I would be quite hungover right now. Yes, it was a Monday night, so I'm not quite sure how the evening played out the way it did, but it was a complete success.

I was going to do some types last night, but then I thought it would be too much work to start up my computer and type at the early hour of 2:30, especially in the state I was in.

It was pretty sick, the bus driver told me I could just walk into Kipling without even paying, right on up the sidewalk.

I'm quite sure I was overly excitable the entire evening... I wonder why... naaaat.

Ahhh, I am extremely socially awkward, its hilarious actually.

I do not want to go to work today.

YES!!! We totally have a to do list now, mind you it was a drunkenly constructed to do list.

I had really weird dreams last night. One of them featured a rather large centipede walking around my room in a really menacing way. The other one was about this guy I used to date who randomly was wearing glasses (even though he has never worn them), but he was telling me in my dream that he always had glasses and I just must have never noticed. It was hilarious. But not the centipede one. The centipede one was quite stressful.

Your British accent is surprisingly good.

It's such a typical spring day right now.

I'm glad I ran yesterday, because I reallllly don't feel like running today.

My friends are the most excellent people ever.

I am soooo excited for my trip!!

Covert Ethnographies

Ok so now that I'm not feeling so guilty about not studying (since I'm done school, awww yeahh), I can sit here and rant about covert ethnographies at my leisure. Except not at my complete leisure because my friends are coming over for lunch at 1:30.

I'd like to talk about covert ethnographies today because I came across them while studying for an exam, and I had actually missed the class that they were talked about in. Basically a covert ethnography is a study that takes place where the researcher immerses themselves within a group to study them, but without the knowledge of the group members. Basically it's like going undercover for research. According to my notes, this form of research is highly frowned upon and not usually seen as a legitimate form of research, because of the myriad of ethical concerns that may arise over the course of the study.

I have a pretty big issue with that. While I agree that there is no form of informed consent taking place and there is possibility of potential harm to 'participants,' I do not see any difference from the numerous studies that are deemed 'ethical.'

We have constructed a world where if people are willing to be assholes to get ahead, we let them. Why are unethical or shady practices in scientific research deemed acceptable, while a covert ethnography, a form of research that can be extremely informative is not? Numerous drugs that have been pushed out of the lab and into pharmacies every year are foisted onto patients with little knowledge of actual side effects, and this is more 'ethical' than a covert ethnography?

In both cases the participants are being duped and those that conduct the research are benefiting. With a covert ethnography, there are obviously much greater risks to the researcher. For example, if a researcher is researching the inner-workings of a gang, they are obviously putting themselves at a much greater risk (than a drug tester), particularly if their identity is unveiled.

I suppose what I'm ultimately getting at is, while there are a gajillion different forms of research, I see little if any less legitimacy in a covert ethnography than other research methods and designs. The word 'ethics' is also a pretty strong buzz word, and who exactly decides what is 'ethical' is another extremely perplexing// complex issue, perhaps for another time.

In conclusion, being a covert ethnographer would be so wick//bad ass.

Changer

SOOOOOOOOO, this week I got some interesting feedback about my blog, about how to make it more effective, and turn the quality up to 11. Maybe not 11, but at least make it a little more cohesive and sensicle, not popsicle.

So from now on I am going to employ the 5 to 1 ratio. Now I tend to be quite busy, so it likely won't happen as frequently as suggested, but still as much as I have time for. For example, this is the first time this weekend that I was actually about to be at my computer for longer than 10 minutes.

and fuck, of course i just had to go do something for the past half hour and am back again. Ok, I gotta get ready for work so my organized rant// new and improved styling will have to wait...

CERTIFIED

asdfghjkl. I am officially finished university. I just met up with a friend and yakked his ears off for 3 hours straight because I'm so excited to be finished. Now that I think about I'm quite pleased he didn't clock me in the face. I probably would have clocked me in the face.












on a totally random side note that has nothing to do with my excitement of having completed university successfully...



...To be honest, yes I am worried. And the things you said were scary and extremement confusing. But life can be really confusing. I feel kind of detached, and out of the loop, and unsure, but perhaps that's the way life is best lived. I'm here and you're there. I'm here, not there. But maybe I shouldn't be there. I don't know if it's my job yet. Or maybe it will end up never being my job. I know we've already chatted about this, but I'm going to miss you this summer, even though it's going to be the most rockin summer of life.



....Imagine if I could say all this to you IRL?

So you told me this thing about you today. This thing that I'm not sure if you actually wanted to tell me. But I was worried, so then maybe I was becoming burdensome. And you know, I think I always knew somehow. Somehow in the back of my mind I knew.

Aaaaaand Google is a Giant Zipper Today so the only Logical Explantion would be to Procrastinate

Aren't these green curly-cues wonderful? They're so green and happy looking. I like them.

Today I haven't spoken to anyone. Other than the bus driver to say good morning and thank you to the person I handed my exam to upon completion (where is everyone??). Anyway, since I had extra words to use, I had to write a song about my dog and sing it to her. More than once.

Yesterday at work I had to do an impression of a penguin (when they go slidey across the Antarctic ice) because nobody at work got what I was saying. They just don't understand the complicated intricacies of penguinisms.

Soooo I hear you set your alarm for 8:30am just to wish me good luck on my exam. 10000 points. You're amazing. My own mother didn't even wish me good luck on my exam, but you did! Gah, so impressed and smiley
right now.

I need to go on a few organized rants. But I would feel too guilty (especially since I'm nowhere near prepared for my exam on Thursday) if I typed those out now. After my exams. Spoiler alert: body building, and covert ethnographies.

Why is this site all differs now?

The basketball in my room is very orange.

Tomorrow I am going to try for the summit.

Isn't it supposed to be spring? Not extended winter?

Also, LOTR is awesome. I can't put it down. I'm already half way through the first book. And the font is pretty much size 8, or less.

This Guy

What a champ.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-17765170

Poor Little Bug on the Wall

Totally just popped into my head, after being filed away for years. Oh the 90's. Oh Brownies and Girl Guides.

Poor little bug on the wall
No one to love him at all

No one to wash his clothes
No one to tickle his toes

Poor little bug on the wall

Threat Level Midnight

I am going to give LOTR another try. I plan on starting with the books.

Twas a beautiful day today.

People are so nice.

People are also mostly really idiotic.

Annie is a really dumb dog.

Today I met 4 butterflies in my outdoor business.

Obviously the only kid that didn't show up was the one I wrote music out for.

I was late for the work yesterday. This has never happened, and I was rattled beyond belief.

Space is vast.

Food is yum.

Harry Potter rocks.

Soooo, not tired.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. I haven't been to the doctor other than to get an epipen in 4 yrs. Oops.

This summer I plan on growing my coaster collection substantially.

Water is ever so quenching.

You would. So would I.

26th, then I'm free of university forEVA.

But probably not forEVA, because I quite like school. Maybe I'll go back.

Crank the pomposity up to 11.

Cold wind blows, I feel you now.

Sun on my face. Feels good man.

All I've done today is SPORTS// be really active outside, but I'm not tired at all.

In fact, I'm bouncing off the walls, with nobody to contain me!!!

Flutter.

Certified Geographist.

Certified Feminist.

Certified.

River Runs Through it

It flows through my body. It almost feels alive, as though there's something living inside of it. I close my eyes and I hear everything. I touch my face, it feels more than usual. I have to open my eyes eventually. Slowly, then I can savour it. Reality; it's back. Back as I open my eyes.

It's still flowing. I can feel it. Now my stomach is in knots, not the good knots. I close my eyes again, and I think a good thought, and I get goosebumps. The good kind of goosebumps.

Tired. Tired. Fatigue.

This post makes no sense to most.

Road Warrior

I've started biking pretty much everywhere. The thing is, its much cheaper. No bus fare, its waaaay better for the environment, it doesn't even take that much longer, and its good for you. Imagine that. But I may be preaching to the converted. Most people that choose to exclusively drive, no matter how close they are to their target destination won't listen to my silliness.

Another thing I always find kind of ironic are people that people DRIVE to the gym. These people will engage in something that is terrible for the environment, bad for their health, and wastes money (I guess in both instances the car, and the gym membership), just to go do something they could do either in their own home, or neighbourhood. Doing something inactive to get to the place where they can be active. hilarious.

Anyway, I'm thinking of getting a road bike, possibly. I need to go about it so I stay as far away from hipsterdome as possible. I think when I ride my bike I take on the super athletic look though, so I'm pretty sure I'm safe. It also surprises me how many near death experiences I've had and not even been scared at all. Maybe I'm becoming a road warrior. In my dreams...

For the Longest Time

What a happy song. I've been waking up with this Billy Joel classic in my head for awhile now so I thought I'd post it here.

Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time

If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do, I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's when you found me, when you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time

I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you, and how you needed me too
That hasn't happened in the longest time

Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've gone this far
And it's more than I'd hoped for

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances, I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time

I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself, hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
It's wonderful so far
And you're more than I'd hoped for

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad, I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time

Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time

If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do, I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's when you found me, when you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time
Oh, Oh, Oh
For the longest time

I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you, and how you needed me too
That hasn't happened in the longest time

Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've gone this far
And it's more than I'd hoped for

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances, I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time

I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself, hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
It's wonderful so far
And you're more than I'd hoped for

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad, I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_XgQhMPeEQ

Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't aware of that!

Seriously, stop. Seriously.

Ballin

Getting to be a bad scene

You are now not only something I can't have, but also something I want. All signs are telling me to step the fuck back and get a grip. My gut is also telling me this is a bad idea. Pretty much life itself is pointing towards a bad scene if I keep this shit up, but I am being the most adamant at ignoring it all...