For the purpose of this post I will refer to guy1 as B and guy2 as P.
I am currently a wreck. Probably because I am in a state of emotional confusion. I don't think in my whole life I have had the pleasure and excitement of undergoing vast quantities of roller coaster-like emotions in the span of 2 months. When my job ended I thought that I had come to terms with most of my thoughts and feelings. In fact, I even wrote B a letter outlining what I thought because I certainly owed to myself and him to be honest about what was going on.
Then last week I had the whole week off from work, in which I was able to do vast quantities of thinking (up until that point I had only the weekends and afterwards I was thrust back into my job). I came to the conclusion that I was lonely, and that maybe it was time that I move forward with someone new.
New. New is scary and unknown and unsure. P and I have been acquaintances// friends for about 2 years. This summer we became quite close and our time together is turning from friends to more than friends. And its good because he's fun and I like him a lot and he makes me laugh and he's really different from most of the people I know, but I am still freaked out beyond reason and I have no idea why.
Actually that's a lie. I think I am freaked out because I'm not sure if I'm ready for things to be moving forward at the pace that they are. I still think about B often and they are always good things, which is okay because we are still good friends and I care about him more than he knows, but I don't know if it's okay for me to be missing certain things.
I miss all of his quirks and mannerisms, like the thing he does with his hand when he's talking to waiters at restaurants, and his amazing smarts, and the way he could beat me in a tickle fight in a nano-second, and the way I felt like I could be myself all the time, and the way it felt when I was being held onto by him, and how he could always make everything okay. And I don't know if I'm allowed to miss these things. And if I'm not supposed to be missing these things then I definitely not being fair to P.
I'm not only freaked out about me being thrust into new things but also B being involved in new and exciting adventures. B has told me very little about this new girl (lets call her C) that he has been hanging out with. And while I don't know very much about her I find myself presuming that she is beautiful and a genius, and not weird// and or quirky, and flawless, and put together, and unbelievably nice and well perfect I guess. It's not that I'm not glad that B and C are having a good time together (because I am, as a happy B is the only way that he should be) or that A and P are having a good time together, it's just much easier to notice all the things that are wrong with me the way things are now and it makes me feel lonely even though I'm not alone (?).
Right now, while I know that B and I shouldn't be together, there is still this thought in the back of my mind that we will one day (maybe many many years from now) find our ways back together because we were great. And I know that he definitely does not feel the same way, which makes me feel like I shouldn't have written that. Maybe I just have to find someone that is amazing like B, because B is amazing and the best person I have ever had the privilege to know. And since he's so great, maybe that's why I'm freaking out about P because I don't know all the great things about him yet. Fuck, I am really messed up right now...this doesn't even make sense.
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