fired from the best job I ever had

While my title may indicate that I held a position at a particularly desirable place of employment, paid work is not what I am referring to. I was recently let go from the person that means the most to me in the world. The entire process has been difficult as I try and figure out what went wrong. The reason that I was given was that we simply drifted apart. And while I do agree that we did drift apart, what seems to be on my mind most is the things that I did this year that could have increased or aided the drift. And also, what kind of drift is too long to reverse?

It makes me sad that you were ready to move on without even giving drifting back together a try, especially when we were happy for such a long time. When I was told that you were unhappy I knew that I needed to let go since happy was the only way I wanted you to be. What did scare me a little though, was that I never knew how you felt, which is bugging me now because I always thought you were happy. So, your acting must be quite good. I also always believed us to be excellent communicators. I don't know, maybe I'm just confused about how someone doesn't know if they're not happy.

Anyway, getting back to my life this year. I feel like this year I really tried to immerse myself in various things because living at home was really beginning to take its toll. So, I went and got a job and buried myself in school and this is what I think might have been the beginning of it all. I withdrew because I did not have anyone to talk to about this. I couldn't say anything to you, it was your first time living alone without support and you were stressed and confused, and I needed to be there for you. You needed me more than I needed you, or so I thought. None of this helped and I know its my fault for not speaking up at the time.

In this entire fiasco, I began to get hostile about certain things that now that I think about seem almost meaningless. Such as, owning a house and mortgages and living in a van and walking and school and money and food and well, pretty much everything. Who the fuck cares if you own a house? Now that I really lay it on the table, I know its not me. But for some reason, I lashed out about that. I also lashed out about things like travel. I have been saving to travel since I have been about 17 years old and until I met you, I did not know where I wanted to end up going. When I met you and we talked about where we could go, I knew that was what I wanted. Now, again, I don't know where I want to go because it wouldn't be North America without you.

I don't know, I just feel lost and confused because I don't know how we can't make this work and how you have so little faith in us after such a long time. I think we just need to talk through a lot of this stuff (like what we want in our lives right now) rather than give up, but ultimately I just want you to be happy. And I guess you believe that that will be achieved without trying to be happy with me again. Clearly I still have a lot to think about and work through on my own because you're going to be a hard one to get over.